The Band by Carmen Adams

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Contains Spoilers!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know who the bad guy/girl/tuba player is.

Tag Line: Creatures of the night - hear their music...and follow them into darkness.  (Well, that was super lame.)

From the Back of the Book:  No one knows their game...They call themselves "The Band" but they don't play music - they play games...evil games.  They want you to join them...Dressed in black, always together...looking for recruits.  Luring the unsuspecting with eyes that see into the soul.  Offering friendship to all who will come and play with them.  Beware of their game...For those who are tempted to play will play in the darkness - FOR ALL ETERNITY.  (Seems needlessly dramatic for such a stupid book.)

This book was published in 1994.  This was my first read through.

She's making me read a vampire book, y'all. Do you think she's trying to kill me? I'm going to start sleeping with one eye open just in case.

Grab your garlic. Here we go.

We begin with our protagonist Megan on her first day at a new school. Her family (mom, dad, little brother Abe) has moved around a lot. This is her sixth school. She loved the place before – Boulder Colorado. Now they're in the middle of the California desert and she hates it. Plus she sees glowing yellow eyes looking at her in the darkness whenever she's out at night.

Megan isn't impressed with the school or the students. She thinks they're less fashionable than she's used to and unmotivated to be anything but small town people. She's a bit of a snob. I'm going to have to give her the {{delicate sniff}} notation if she isn't careful. In band she meets a guy named Toby. He's a low-key hottie. Not the kind of guy that gets the attention of the entire room when he walks in, but the cute, slightly nerdy hottie that flies under the radar. He seems friendly and has an eye sparkle that appeals to her. Plus muscles.

Toby tells her that he hated it there when he first came but now he's met a group of “cool” kids and things are looking up. They don't go to school, though, because they're above it. Or....you know....undead. He's a sophomore and a year younger than Megan but she likes him anyway.

They walk outside together after class (which must have been the last of the day) and Megan is hopeful that Toby might walk her home. But at the curb is a mint condition black Camaro with heavy window tint. Toby pauses as a beautiful blonde boy steps out of the car. He's so beautiful that he takes Megan's breath away for a moment. His long blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail and, when he removes his “shades”, his eyes are “chillingly” blue. Megan finds herself transfixed as he stares at her as if he already knows her. She thinks he can see deep into her soul.

I effing hate teen vampire books. So. Much. Cheeeeeeeeeese.

Toby heads to the car as if in a trance, forgetting all about Megan in the presence of Ponytail Boy. He gets in the car and it drives away. Megan's still standing there like a dope when a voice behind her says “creepy, eh?”. I'm not sure if the voice means Ponytail Boy or Megan. The voice belongs to a petite girl with gelled hair and a ton of earrings named Iris. She lives down the street from Megan and so the two of them walk home together.

Iris describes herself as "overwhelming at first" and then "just idiosyncratic" and invites Megan to come over some night and look through her telescope. Sounds dirty. Megan could give a flip about astronomy but she can't afford to alienate one of the only two people who talked to her all day, so she accepts the offer.

Finally Megan blurts out the question that's been burning a Camaro-sized hole in her heart and asks about Ponytail Boy. Iris says it's a shame Toby's their latest victim because once a person falls in with that crowd they pretty much disappear socially. She tells Megan about her ex-bff Jenny who was once a cheerleader and president of the Honor Society. Now she just wears a lot of black and rides around in the Camaro. Iris refers to them as The Band and Ponytail Boy (Shane) is their leader along with a girl named Laura. She says they pretty much own the night in town and are always on the lookout for new “recruits”. She warns Megan pretty strongly not to become one.

Which totally just ensures that Megan falls madly in love with Shane, gets changed into a vampire and reproduces a creepy CGI baby that she will completely ignore except for when it suits her. 

Oh, wait. Wrong crappy teenage vampire book.

Megan babysits her three-year-old brother Abe after school because her mother works the afternoon/evening shift as a nurse and her dad doesn't get home until dinner time. She uses a few paragraphs to reflect on how weird it is to be sixteen. She's almost an adult but still feels like a kid inside. She also spends a few pages rhapsodizing about “The Band”. Then she tells us that she has big dreams of being famous and wealthy and popular.  It's every bit as fascinating as it sounds.

After dinner she gets an anonymous call from a “husky whisperer” telling her not to get off on the wrong foot by hanging out with losers like Iris. She asks the caller to identify himself and he says he's “her friends” which means he either sucks at grammar or he has split personalities. He tells her he'll be sending an emissary her way soon and hangs up.

Megan heads over to Iris' house to ask her about “The Band”. Iris gives her a run down on the members. In addition to Shane and Laura, there's Joey (short, dark, nervous), James (thin, pale, creepy) and Natalie (tiny, dark, serious).

The next morning, Megan goes out running at sunrise. She's in the groove when suddenly everything feels different. She can feel vibrations in the ground and a shift in the wind current that makes her feel like some giant primitive beast is in the air over head. She worries it's an earthquake but it turns out to be the Camaro.  It passes by her so close she can feel the metal brush her arm. I'm sorry but if the thing is moving so fast that it vibrates the ground and changes the wind currents, then it shouldn't be able to brush her arm without knocking her over or something.  Science matters, Adams!

Megan settles into school pretty easily. She likes her classes and thinks she'll do well in them. She spends most of her spare time thinking about The Band and searching for members in the school building. On Thursday, Toby asks her out on a date to the movies and she accepts.

Megan enjoys the movie and Toby's company. She's surprised by how much she likes him already. They are leaving the theater inside the mall when a group of kids dressed all in black suddenly starts to circle them. Megan says they go round and round like birds from a horror movie.

This sounds utterly ridiculous, Adams. Like “cool” teenagers ANYWHERE would engage in this lame behavior inside a mall. It's like they're playing ring around the rosy or something. REE DICK YOU LUSS.

They keep going round and round while saying things like: “Stepping out on us, Toby?” “Hey, Megan, we've been wanting to meet you.” “Yeah, the coolest new girl in town.” “We've had our eye on you for awhile.” It's just way too stupid to be taken seriously at all.  Adams has no idea how teenagers talk and behave.

The Band takes off and Megan is left feeling excited and a little scared. Toby says that The Band likes people like her – unusual people. Megan feels like she's too average to be unusual. She asks a few questions about The Band. Do they go to school? Do they have jobs? What do they do exactly? Toby gives her non-answers. He says he doesn't really know much about them. They showed up out of the blue the year before. Wait. Like all of them? Together? Like a commune or a cult or something? Or are they all “a couple”? So weird.

Toby encourages her to meet with The Band at some point and reassures her that he'd never ask her to do anything that might endanger her.

Sure.

I effing hate teenage vampire books.

The next day (?) Megan is leaving the drugstore when a black Corvette pulls up beside her. It's Laura from The Band and she fires off some extremely cheesy and insincere flattery that Megan licks up like a starving puppy. Laura asks if Megan wants a ride home and Megan initially refuses but then decides to jump in the car. We get treated to a half page discussion about how important Megan feels seatbelts are and then we're headed out into the desert.

Megan doesn't live in the actual desert but she doesn't seem concerned that she's been kidnapped. Laura drives her out to a rock formation and mentions that it was once used by Native Americans but now The Band uses it for parties and ceremonies. Megan is too shy to ask what kind of ceremonies which really should have been her first fucking question. She doesn't want to seem “uncool”. Laura asks her about Colorado and Megan tells her she should go sometime. Laura says she's tied to the place and “home is where the heart is” which seems odd since she's only been there a year. She tells Megan that she hopes Megan will stay in town. Megan says it's up to her dad and Laura replies “perhaps”.

Oh, not creepy at ALL, Megan. You're fine. You're totally fine.

Laura asks her very in depth questions about every single relative she has. Megan is flattered by the attention because she's a complete idiot. Afterwards, Laura drives her home without ever asking where she lives (not creepy at all – you're fine) and says she hopes they'll be friends for “a long, long time”.

Nah, you're good. Nothing concerning about any of this at all.

The next day (?) Megan and her mom are shopping at the mall. Megan suddenly wants to convert her wardrobe to all black to match The Band. They run into Shane and Laura in one of the stores and Megan introduces them to her mom. Megan notices that Shane seems nervous and is hanging behind Laura, letting her do all the talking. It's surprising to her because she had him pegged as Alpha Male. Laura invites Megan to a party on Saturday night and says someone will come for her around 8 and then the creepy ones leave.

Megan's mom isn't sure she likes Laura and Shane. She says they seem older than they look and she's sure she recognizes Shane from somewhere. Later that night, she comes into Megan's bedroom and tells Megan that she remembers where she knows Shane from. She had a blind date with him her sophomore year of high school. She remembered him because he was so cute and because the name “Shane” was so unusual. Megan is confused and then says it must have been his father. Megan's mom seems unsure and this role reversal is bizarre. Usually the teen in the book has all the wild theories and the parents are logical and reasonable. It is logical and reasonable to assume that Shane was named after his father (or uncle or something) and resembles him. Because....you know....science. It's not super logical and reasonable to assume that this person is the same person who has not aged in 20 or so years.

Although, that's totally what's going on. It's why Shane was nervous and hiding behind Laura. He totally went out with Megan's mom once. But Megan's mom should still be the logical and reasonable one here.

Saturday night Laura and Shane come to pick Megan up. She is nervous and excited. She asks about the great old cars that all of The Band seem to have and Shane comments that people lose them and The Band finds them. Which totally means they're stolen or something but Megan doesn't care. She comments on how they all listen to music from the 60's and 70's and I EFFING HATE TEEN VAMPIRE BOOKS.

The party is out at that rock formation and, when they get there, everyone is listening to Rod Stewart and disco dancing (HATE HATE HATE). Toby is there but doesn't rush over to greet Megan and she's crushed to the very pit of her soul. Shane says they need to get Megan some wine and she tells them that she doesn't drink. Shane replies that non-drinking is a problem and Laura chimes in that if Megan can't drink, she won't be on the same wavelength as the rest of them and won't be part of the group.

You're fine, Megan. Nothing to be concerned about AT ALL.

Then Laura says that Megan reminds her so much of Marnie who.....they...... lost touch with.

You're FINE, Megan.

Toby eventually joins her and Megan notices he's listless and monotone. He says he's had a cold all week. She tries to make him smile but is unsuccessful. The wine bottle gets passed around and Megan feels so much pressure that she takes teeny tiny sips of it so they'll think she's one of them. Shane asks Toby if he's ready for his initiation at the caves and Laura reminds him that they need to wait for the full moon.

Seriously, why is Megan still there? Wouldn't you have made a break for it by now? I would have. LONG ago.

Suddenly a fight breaks out between Ethan (I already forgot who that was), Shane, James and Joey. It seems like Shane and the J's are ganging up on Ethan. Maybe they forgot who he was too. Ethan makes a break for it and runs off into the desert. No one follows him. It's a weird section and it feels super out of place. One minute Shane is offering Megan a cigarette and the next this big fight comes out of nowhere and tells us absolutely nothing.

Okay, I scrolled back. Is Ethan even a character in this book? I didn't see him mentioned before. Did Adams just drop him into a fight without telling us he even existed?  Seems like.

Megan has to be home by midnight so Laura reluctantly drives her back. The whole time Megan is thinking about the Ethan incident. Maybe she's just trying to figure out who the fuck he is and where he came from too. Laura seems to read her mind and says that sometimes they make an offer to a person who doesn't want to accept. Ethan just didn't want to accept the offer to be in this book but it's all totally fine.

Totally. You're fine, Megan. Fine.

Monday morning Megan sees Ethan in class. He looks tired and gray. He doesn't want to talk about what happened. I don't think he KNOWS what happened since he was born a full-grown teenager at a disco party in the desert and didn't exist before that. He warns Megan not to get involved with The Band and to get out while she still can.

Natalie and Laura are waiting for her after school. They say they're taking her to the mall for some black clothes.

This is all so ridiculous. Was Adams even trying with this book?

Natalie and Laura load her up with black clothes but refuse to come into the fitting room with her. Natalie says mirrors give them the creeps and Megan just accepts that without question even though it's a completely bizarre thing to say. This one is SO BRAINLESS.

Megan picks out some black jeans and a couple of black shirts from the pile and the girls tell her to go wait out in the mall while they take care of “purchasing” the items. Megan is pretty sure they're going to shoplift and she's okay with that as long as she isn't implicated. Nice to see she has her morals intact.

While Megan is waiting for the girls to steal the clothes, Iris comes up to her. She tells Megan she has some information about The Band and she wants Megan to meet her at the library the next day. Before Megan can agree or disagree, Laura and Natalie are there glaring at Iris. Megan lies and says that she and Iris are working on a school project together but she's afraid Laura will be able to read her mind.

I hope they don't kill Iris. She's the only one I like in this book.

The next day at the library, Iris meets Megan in a reading room. She has an old book on the occult and she points to a section she wants Megan to read. She says The Band are Revenants which are cousins of vampires and fellow undead. The book describes Revenants as souls that departed too early and are doomed to roam the earth. They favor black garments and carriages and constantly try to recruit new, lost souls because they are lonely and restless. Megan dismisses it all as Iris' overactive imagination and goes about her life.

One day after school (it's not my fault I never know what day it is, y'all, Adams is very vague with timelines) Toby and Megan decide to go swimming. Toby is going to take Megan to his favorite spot in the mountains. They kiss for awhile and Megan enjoys it immensely. Then she brings up the stuff about the Revenants in the old book. Because Adams has clearly forgotten that Megan doesn't believe any of that crap and has decided to make her suspicious about stuff she doesn't believe in. Perfect. Toby thinks it's hooey and says The Band is just regular human cool kids. Megan asks him what this initiation is and Toby doesn't know. All he knows is that Shane is going to take him in cave and do something that will make Toby closer to The Band.

Um.....Toby? That sounds bad. But, nah. You're fine. Totally fine.

Megan decides the best thing to do, now that she's all suspicious about things she doesn't believe in, is to go into LA to an occult bookstore to find out more. So she lies to her mom about needing clarinet reeds and having to take a bus into the city. At the bookstore she meets Lucien Levant (shop owner) who says he recognizes her as an emergency case. He provides her with several books on Revenants and gives her a cozy place to read them in the back. The books seem to describe The Band members pretty well. Aversion to sun, black clothes, no shadows, no reflections, can't be photographed, don't eat. Check, check and check. The book says Revenants usually died a violent, early death and either their bodies weren't found or weren't buried so they roam the earth living half-lives.

On the way home, the bus stops in a small town called Arlene. It's in the desert not far from the rock formation and Megan remembers Iris saying that everyone assumed The Band lived there. She asks the driver if another bus will come through later and learns that she'll have an hour and a half to explore the town before the next bus comes through. I have no idea what she's looking for, but she gets off the bus like an idiot.

Megan asks directions to the cemetery from a man at the cafe and then heads that way. She walks among the tombstone and finds one for Marnie who died in 1972 as a teenager. Then she finds a whole row of tombstones for teenagers who died in 1972. In addition, there's a plaque for a bunch of teens who went missing in 1972 and weren't found. All of the members of The Band are listed on the plaque. She concludes they died with the other teens but their bodies were never found and that's how they became Revenants.

On her way back to the cafe, she passes a newspaper office and impulsively heads inside. She asks the lady there about a tragedy that happened in 1972 that killed a bunch of teens and the lady tells her about a marching band bus crash. They were coming home from a game and their bus went off the road in the mountains and crashed far below. All 18 of them died. There were no survivors.

Megan is in the newspaper office until the lady kicks her out so she can close up. The cafe is also closed and Megan realizes she missed her bus. There's another one coming in about 20 minutes but now she'll be super late getting home and she knows her parents must already be worried. She's hanging out in the shadows waiting for the bus when she hears car engines. The Band appears in a procession of black cars headed out of town. She tries to make herself smaller so they can't see her. They leave town without acknowledging her presence.

The bus finally comes and she's so relieved she ends up crying. Her parents are waiting at the home stop for her and she launches into a complicated and super fake-sounding story about getting lost in LA, getting locked in a bathroom stall that a locksmith had to liberate her from, taking a taxi that got a flat tire and barely making the bus home. She can tell they can't believe her. Ya THINK? Who could believe such crap? She should have just said she got lost and couldn't find a pay phone to call.

A day or so later (damn it, Adams, tell me how much time is passing!!) Megan's mom comes to talk to her about Shane. Apparently Mama was shopping and saw him buying a ton of candles. She went to talk to him and he kept turned away from her and wouldn't look at her. She told him that she dated his dad once and that he looked a lot like him. Shane refused to turn her way and barely said anything to her. Mama is still suspicious that Shane is the same Shane she dated but she can't work out how. She starts to warn Megan against The Band but Megan cuts her off. She says she's already decided not to see much of them because they smoke and don't wear their seatbelts.

Toby calls Wednesday night and asks her to go to the library with him for a study date. She is excited to hear from him. While out, she tries to get him to tell her where his initiation is. She wants so desperately to save Toby from becoming a Revenant. He tells her it's in a cave a few miles from the rock formation where they had the party. He says he asked if Megan could come and The Band said no. Megan is surprised to hear this since she had been invited previously. She supposes she's been uninvited because she's been investigating them.

Armed with this vague information (cave a few miles away from rocks) she thinks she can save the day.

Um.

You don't even know which DIRECTION the cave is from the rocks. You don't know how many miles. YOU KNOW NOTHING. But I'm sure you'll save the day anyway because Adams thinks we're all idiots.

Megan is sure the initiation is going to be on Friday. But Thursday night she's driving to the store to get some ice cream when she hears the radio DJ saying that the moon is full. She realizes that the initiation is going on RIGHT THIS MINUTE in that cave that she's going to miraculously find right at the perfect moment.

So, of course, she finds the cave immediately without getting lost at all. She just drives right to it as if led by the angels or something.

<<Pause>>

Adams, you have to be fucking kidding me. I've tried to swallow all this stupid Revenant stuff but this is just not going down.

SHE'S NOT EVEN FROM THE AREA!! SHE DOESN'T KNOW HER WAY AROUND!! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT AN UNFAMILIAR DESERT HERE!!

Maybe there was a huge neon sign that said “Creepy Initiation Taking Place Here” with a giant blinking arrow or something.

Megan decides to sneak up on the undead and the undead-ish. She's glad she's wearing her sneakers because, if she has to run, she's faster than the rest of them. HOW THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW THIS? SHE'S NEVER SEEN ANY OF THEM RUN AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF UNDEAD POWERS THEY MAY HAVE. 

 Hubris.

She peeks into the cave and sees The Band all in black robes with white orchids in their hair or around their neck or pinned to their robe. They look different. Their skin is pale and saggy, their eyes are sunken and bloodshot. They look old and tired. Toby is lying in a drugged sleep on a stone altar.

Okay, we have to pause a minute here. These kids have been “dead” since the 70s. This book was written in the 90s. That's 20 years of dead-ing. So why are they JUST NOW trying to convert someone? Clearly there's just the group of them that died on the bus. No one extra is hanging around. So in 20 years they haven't tried to initiate anyone else? But now, all of a sudden, they want to expand their numbers? None of this makes any sense to me.  (Note from the author: I forgot about Jenny.  I guess they converted one.)

Megan reveals herself and interrupts the ceremony. They don't seem too surprised or too concerned to see her. They explain that if they initiate enough teens to make their number the same as the number of kids who died in the accident, then they'll be set free. This sounds hokey to me and I'm wondering just who told them this. Is being a Revenant like the Beetlejuice thing where you get a mentor and a handbook after you die?

Megan says she'll tell the police and they pretty much just laugh at her. The police probably won't believe her in the first place and, even if they do, what are they going to do to the undead? They have a point. She makes a feeble attempt to grab Toby (did she think she was going to carry an unconscious teenage boy across the desert?) but they stop her. Laura wants to kill her but Shane lets her go. He seems sad and says he wishes she could have replaced Marnie. In the end, Megan leaves without Toby and goes home and this whole thing was pretty pointless.

The next morning, Megan goes to Iris' house and asks Iris to skip school and go to LA with her. She wants to go back to the occult bookstore and ask Lucien for some help. On the bus ride, they discuss who they think The Band has been trying to recruit and why. They put together a list and most of them are band/orchestra members but some aren't. Megan theorizes that the ones who aren't must just look like some of the dead teens.

Lucien tells them that they might have a chance if they can recreate the accident that killed the teens and re-kill them. Then they should move on into the afterlife. So Iris and Megan begin making plans to get The Band on a bus and shove them over a cliff.

This is so stupid, y'all.

Iris uses a voice synthesizer to call the school. They say Megan has Rocky Mountain Fever and Iris has a funeral out of state. In the real world, this would bite them in the ass fairly quickly. This is Adams' stupid world though. Iris has an uncle in the salvage business and he just happens to conveniently have a school bus on his lot. They give him a big story about using it for the homecoming parade and then they give Iris' brother the same story to get him to work on it and get it running. Their goal is to have it done on the anniversary of the original accident.

Iris and Megan go out to the desert and rather miraculously immediately find a little shed where The Band stores all their ceremonial crap.  They just went right to it.  Without even knowing it existed.  In a place where they've never been before.  Whatever. I stopped caring. They steal some of the purple drugging liquid and some of the red wine. Their plan is to drug the wine, go to the party they think might happen on anniversary day, get The Band to drink the wine and then put them on the bus and send them to their re-death.

Good plan. Thumbs up.

This book makes my brain cells cry.

The night of the anniversary, Megan sneaks out. Iris is waiting with the bus. They park it by the highway near the rock formation and Iris waits with it as Megan goes to the party holding her drugged wine. She tells them that she's been thinking and she'd like to join them because life is just better when they're around. Then she offers the bottle of wine. They are pretty skeptical about her change of heart, but they drink the wine and soon are acting slow and compliant. Megan tells them she's going to take them on a ride and set them free and they follow her to the bus without question.

Megan drives them all to some cliff. She takes Toby and Jenny off the bus and leaves them with Iris. Then she puts the bus in gear and does something to make it go over the cliff. It hovers in the air for a minute and then completely vanishes into thin air with The Band inside.

Sure.

Sounds legit.

How the hell are Megan, Iris, Jenny and Toby going to get home? Hopefully Toby drove out there because Jenny always rides with one of the others. I guess they could steal one of the Revenant cars but that will be tough to explain later.

“Hey, honey, where did you get the car?”

“Oh, it belongs to some undead teen that I just re-deaded in the desert in a disappearing bus. No big.”

The book ends with an epilogue telling us that Toby (fuck Jenny - no one cares about her) is slowly recovering and head over heels for Megan. She and Iris are BFFs and all is well in the land again.

Final Thoughts: This wasn't the worst book I've ever read but it was one of the dumbest. It made no sense in so many ways. I never thought I'd find a teenage vamp-ish book that I thought was dumber than TwiBlah but this one proved me wrong. This is my new standard for dumb teen vamp books.