From the back of the book: "License to drive. License to kill. Eddie, Scott, Winks and Cassie. They went out for a drive one night. Just to practice, so Eddie would be sure and get his license. Then Eddie had a little accident. Now four friends share a terrible secret. Because Eddie ht someone and killed him. Didn't he?"
Before I read this to do my recap, I could have sworn that I had read it before. The cover with the chalk outline on the deserted road looked so familiar and it came out a time when I read pretty much read everything Stine and Pike pumped out. It didn't take long before I realized I had missed this one back in the 90's though. There's no way I could forget something this stupid.
For those of you who haven't read Stine before, he is a big fan of the cheap scare. You know, the cat that jumps out of the closet just when the music gets tense or the loud sound that comes in the quietest moment of the movie and makes everyone in the theater jump. It has no meaning and it takes no particular skill on the part of the story-teller. It's just there for the gasp. Stine ends every. single. chapter. with the cheap scare. Most of them are incredibly ridiculous and if you gasped at them, I will judge you.
So we begin our story with Cassie Martin. She's our intrepid main character. Stine takes the time to give you descriptions right off the bat which I appreciate. I hate it when they don't come until halfway through the book and you find out the tall, lithe beauty you've been picturing in your head is actually a troll. Anyway, we find out she's a cute, blonde, tomboy who will be 16 very soon. She's friends with three guys and apparently this is a big deal and makes Cassie all yoo-nique and stuff. Of course, she was a secret crush on one of them.
Her crush is Scott and he's pretty yoo-nique himself. He's a jock.....wait for it....with a brain! I know. How does Stine come up with this stuff? He must have a huge imagination. Scott the magnificent is captain of all things and class representative AND he has a job, y'all and a B+ average. He's clearly a super hero. But he's not perfect. Cassie wants us to know that he has an annoying high-pitched giggle and he's a sheep. Not an actual sheep. Stine wasn't that weird and this was long before the shape-shifters took over every book in existence. I don't know about you, ladies, but a good high-pitched giggle on a man just really gets me tingly.
Winks is another member of their crew. He has a real name but I didn't care enough to learn it and everyone calls him Winks through the whole book. He's the "joker". You know, the one who thinks he's hilarious but is actually pretty much an asshole.
Cassie and Scott are hanging out at his house one night alone with no parental supervision. Because Point Horror. The parents are never around in these books. Winks shows up with a box and tells them to call Eddie and tell him to come over. Eddie Katz is our fourth. He's shy and quiet and perpetually blushes so everyone likes to play jokes on him. They call him Scaredy Katz because apparently that's the level of intellect we're working with here. It's also pointed out that he's poor in an effort to make him seem even more pathetic. Because we all know how pathetic poor is, amIright?
Winks says he has a human eyeball in the box. Eddie's cousin Jerry works in a morgue and gave Winks the eyeball because the corpse was being cremated and "didn't need it". I pretty much hate everyone in this book and it's only chapter one. Winks is going to scare Eddie with it and Scott is going to take a picture with his polaroid to capture the moment. Wow. Polaroids. That brings back memories. When Eddie comes in, Winks pretends he's hurt his eye and then shows Eddie the eyeball in his hand. Eddie just faints while Scott clicks away. Cassie goes to check him and announces that he's dead because...cheap scare.
Of course, he isn't and apparently Cassie is an idiot that can't tell when people are still breathing. They all rag on Eddie for passing out like the good friends they tell us they are. Winks wants to go out practice driving because they are all taking their driving tests soon. They decided to take Scott's parent's Volvo for a joyride. Cassie knows it's a bad idea but she's excited about it anyway. She actually has this thought: "Bad Kids Out For a Thrillride". While I sprain my eyes from rolling them so hard, she tells us that she likes making headlines up in her mind. I'm bracing myself for an entire book of lame Cassie headlines but it never comes up again. Way to drop a plot point, Stine.
The decide to go to the mall and practice in the empty lot. Wait. What kind of town is this? Supper is barely over and the mall is closed? Oh, never mind. They drive there and the mall is still open so they just keep driving out to some abandoned old highway. These kids are so dumb. They don't even know when the mall closes. Eddie takes his turn at the wheel on old Route 12. Winks screams "Look out!" and the car spins out of control. Its another cheap scare.
It was a joke of course because Winks is an asshole. Everyone thinks he's hilarious except Eddie who gets so pissed off that he gets out of the car to walk home. They jump out of the car (leaving it running, mind you) and chase him down to bring him back. Scott is panicked about getting the car home before his parents get back. I don't know why he's worried because the parents never show up in these books, but he does 80 most of the way home. As they come into town, he blows through a couple red lights (way to not get noticed when you're out driving a car with no license, Scott) and then yells that the brakes are out because it's the end of another chapter.
No one believes the dumbass. See, even the characters know not to believe the last sentence of a chapter. They get back in time because Scott's parents don't really exist. They're off in some parallel universe with all the other Point Horror parents.
Then some time has passed I guess and they're suddenly at the mall. Nothing really happens except Cassie thinks to herself yet again that Scott is a sheep. We haven't really seen you buck the crowd, Miss Hypocritical Pants. Winks reveals that he stole Eddie's pants during gym class so Eddie was forced to wear his gym shorts all day and was completely humiliated. He's such a great friend. Cassie and Scott head home. He tries to kiss her and misses. What do you expect from a sheep? She kisses him and doesn't miss. Then she just runs off because she's all smooth like that.
Suddenly it's night again and they're all together trying to think of something to do. I swear I had this exact conversation with my friends on Friday nights in high school. Eddie suggests another drive. His parents are gone (shock!) and they can use his dad's Nova. This book is full of sexy, sexy cars. Scott says they should go back to Route 12 because it's deserted and straight. Apparently none of them have learned to drive curves yet or something. The chapter ends with Cassie saying nothing could go wrong. Oh, Stine, you old fox. Way to sneak some foreshadowing in there. I didn't see it all.
They all take turns driving. Eddie is driving them back home when suddenly there is a man wearing a tie, coat and baseball cap in the middle of the road. They run him over and Cassie makes note that his expression never changed as they mowed him down. We get treated to a story about her cat getting run over 12 years ago. I have no idea why.
They get out and Eddie pronounces the man dead. I don't even believe him at first because these kids don't have a good track record at spotting dead people. But this time they seem to have called it correctly. Winks goes through his pants to find ID and says his name is Brandt Tinkers. He tells them all they have to forget this ever happened and leave because none of them have licenses. So Cassie (who is NOT a sheep dammit) and Scott roll the body onto the shoulder and they go home. When they get back to Eddie's house, the police are there. Dun dun dun.
Everyone freaks but the police are just there because they happened to be driving by and noticed the front door standing wide open and no one around. Yes, folks, they left the house with the front door standing wide open apparently. These kids are so dumb.
Cassie has nightmares all night and is surprised that she doesn't look any different when she wakes up. Oh, Cassie, don't you know that it takes at least a week for your horns to grow in? Two days pass and there is no mention of the accident on the news or in the paper. They decide to call morgue cousin Jerry and he confirms that Brandt Tinkers was indeed brought in over the weekend. It's being kept quiet though to help the police. And they believe him because the're dumb. They're just so dumb. Anyway, someone pounds on the door because Stine needs to end the chapter. It's not even important.
Eddie wants to turn himself in and they spend a chapter talking him out of it. It's the end of the chapter so something dramatic needs to happen. Morgue cousin Jerrry calls to tell them the corpse disappeared.
The next day they are sitting at the lunch table at school discussing this. Do these people have no sense at all? Don't talk about it in public, idiots. They think Winks is behind the corpse disappearing but he denies it. That night Cassie gets a collect call from Brandt Tinkers. He says "You can't run away" a couple of times and then hangs up. I think we're supposed to be scared but I can't muster it up.
The next day they compare notes. Winks and Eddie got the call too but Scott didn't. Suspicious. Cassie says it's all just a joke. Who exactly played this joke, Cassie? You four were the only ones who know about this. Well, you four and the entire high school lunch room.
That evening Eddie calls Cassie and begs her to come over. He shows her a ball cap that he found on his door that evening. It's the one Brandt was wearing. Oh noes! There's a note inside: "My hat is off to the driver who killed me." We have a punny corpse on our hands, people. That's the worst kind if you ask me.
By Saturday Eddie and Winks have received another corpse call. Scott still hasn't. Cassie worries that someone might have witness the accident and is tormenting them. She just doesn't believe it's the corpse doing all this because she's not 10 years old. They are all supposed to get together but Scott is sick and Eddie is too scared to leave his house. Cassie tries to catch Winks and cancel out but he's already headed to her house according to his mom (it's a mom! a mom in a Point Horror! it's like spotting a unicorn!). Cassie walks down the street to meet him. The neighbors are all outside and there's someone lying in the street. It's Winks and he's been hit by a car.
Winks is taken to the hospital and remains unconscious for a chapter or so. Eddie doesn't think it was an accident but Cassie keeps insisting it's a coincidence. They get back to Eddie's house and there's an envelope in the door. There's a note "One down, three to go" (inspired writing, Stine) and a polaroid of the corpse sitting behind the wheel of the Volvo. Nothing else really happens in this chapter except Cassie decides morgue cousin Jerry must be behind everything. She and Eddie go to see him and discover him in a pool of blood because it's the end of the chapter.
It's a joke, of course because Jerry's a bit of an asshole too. They question him about the missing corpse and he makes some zombie references. Cassie shows him the polaroid and he gets all upset. Some more time passes but I have no idea if it's hours or days. Winks wakes up and he's going to be fine. Later that night Cassie hears someone scratching at her door and sees someone run off. There's an envelope left for her. A note that says "You're next" and a polaroid of the corpse with his hand on Cassie's doorknob. Cassie decides to call Scott and wakes his mom up. She says Scott is sleeping but Cassie pesters her until she agrees to go wake him up. But he's conveniently missing.
Cassie walks to school the next morning and we get a dramatic scene where a car driven by the corpse tries to run her down. It's pretty obvious from the get-go that it's actually a lame dream sequence and after the chapter ends we find out Cassie was, indeed, dreaming. Based on the fact that he was missing when she called the night before and owns a polaroid camera, Cassie deduces that Scott is the bad guy. She goes to school and tells Eddie she knows who is doing all this stuff but never says Scott's name.
At her driving test after school, Cassie is surprised that the person administering the test turns out to be a woman. What the hell, Stine? So sexist. She passes her test and gets her temp license. Eddie calls later and says he has permission from his mom to go driving with her if she passed. She tries to call Scott before she leaves for some reason but his line is busy. She hasn't seemed at all worried about him being missing all day. Some friend she is. Maybe it's because he's a lousy kisser.
Eddie drives them out to Route 12 in the Nova but the tire blows. He freaks the freak out when Cassie wants to open the trunk to get the spare. Cassie tells herself he's just scared and now I know she's an idiot because his reaction is so completely abnormal that even I know that the damn corpse is in the trunk.
Indeed, the corpse is in the trunk and Cassie is shocked. Really, Cassie? Really? We go through the whole "Why, Eddie, why?" thing for a few paragraphs. He says it started out as a joke because everyone was always laughing and pranking him. Cassie says they only prank him because they love him or something equally idiotic. He tells her that Jerry helped him get the corpse of a homeless man and the guy had been dead for days before they ran him over. Jerry stood him in the road when he heard the car coming. Ole Brandt was so stiff he stood up by himself. I'm pretty sure this isn't possible anywhere but Stine's world, but okay.
Eddie just wanted to scare them at first but they didn't get scared enough so he decided to get revenge. He pulls out a tire iron and tells Cassie to run. She does but then he comes after her in the car with one blown tire. The poor Nova. I weep. Before Eddie can run her over in the Nova, Scott crashes into him with the Volvo. There's no much senseless violence against good cars going on here, guys.
Jerry's with Scott. He got worried when he saw the polaroid and called Scott. Scott called Eddie and Eddie's mom (another unicorn!!) told him that Eddie was out driving with Cassie. Scott just assumed they'd go back to Route 12 and he and Jerry raced to save the day. Because this is the most important point, Cassie asks him where he was when she called the night before. He was sleepwalking. Duh. Jerry wants to put the corpse in the Volvo to return it but the corpse is gone. On a side note, the Volvo is apparently still drivable after crashing into the Nova. That's a hell of a car.
Two weeks pass and Eddie is in treatment. Winks is back home and they are all hanging out with him including morgue cousin, corpse stealing Jerry. They go to the door to leave and there's the corpse. Jerry actually found it on the side of the road that night and saved it back for just the right occasion. Asshole.
This book was bad. I hated them all and was actively rooting for the corpse to finish them off. They were horrible people and awful friends and I kind of don't blame Eddie much for trying to run them down. The bad thing is that I don't even think the whole experience changed them much. I can totally picture them going on being dicks to each other and everyone around them for their entire lives. They still seem to think that playing around with someone's dead body is hilarious. That was somebody's son. Maybe somebody's father. He deserved better than being a "Weekend at Bernie's" knock-off for a bunch of idiot kids. Skip this one unless you have a thing for disrespecting corpses.
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