Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!! This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself. Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know who the bad guy/girl/ridiculous caricature is.
Tag Line: Stowaway stalker.....From the Back of the Book: Depths of Passion.... Linda stares at the moon, wishing romance into her stars. Will she go overboard for Billy, a Libra stowaway who's stalking the ship that bears his sign? Or will her lovesick Capricorn longings be left unsatisfied? She'd walk the plank for him. She'd swim with sharks for him. Billy tips the scales to control the ship - and Linda's heart. But crossing him means mutiny!
That blurb is new levels of ridiculous, y'all.
This book is part of the Zodiac
Chillers series. I've recapped the first four on this blog already
but I'm not going to do a review because they don't really seem
linked in any way. I don't remember any of the characters carrying
over or anything. The first three were written by Carol Ellis. I
don't know if she bailed after that or what. Books 4 and 6 were
written by Ellen Steiber and this one (book 5) was written by Vicki
Kamida. Neither Steiber nor Kamida has a very impressive resume
listed on Goodreads so it's clear that Sprinter Fiction didn't break
out the big guns to replace Ellis. The series died off completely
after book 6 if that tells you anything.
Before I start.....why is Jamie Luner
on the cover of this book??? I mean, not current Jamie Luner,
but I swear the enormous boobs and red hair remind me of teenage
Jamie Luner (from her Just the 10 of Us days). I wonder if
the author had a girl crush.
We begin with a prologue. We're in
some guy's head and he's walking past the docked cruise ships on his
way to the gym like he does every day. He fantasizes about just
jumping on one and stowing away and then he catches sight of our
Jamie Luner wannabe standing on deck and sticking her boobs out as
she runs her hands sensuously through her long, red hair. You know.
As we do. He tells us that his parents are actually in fucking Europe
for two weeks and no one will know he's gone.
Why are they always in Europe?
Does no one ever go to Canada or Mexico
or South America?
Seriously, PH, get some originality.
And I know this guy isn't our
protagonist but I'm going to throw this on anyway.
Send the parent of the protagonist off
on a trip early in the book? Check.
Our head host decides that he's in love with
Jamie Luner-esque and he simply walks aboard the cruise ship using
the plank for the crew. No one asks him who he is or checks his ID
and I have a super hard time believing this is even possible. But
now he's on the ship and Jamie Luner-esque smiles at him so we get
this............
“You like me, he
thought, smiling back. Good. Because I'm going to love you –
whoever you are, whatever it takes. And once you're mine, I'm never,
ever letting go.”
Chapter
one introduces us to our Jamie Luner-esque protagonist. Her name is
Linda and she's on this cruise with her older cousin Carol.
Linda is a little depressed after being dumped by her boyfriend
Greg. Carol suggested the two-week cruise and a shipboard
romance to get Linda out of her funk. Wow. Generous cousin. Most
cousins I know would just bring over some ice cream or something.
The two
of them get ready for their first dinner on ship. Carol goes super
sexy but Linda is more understated. She twists her long, red hair
into a bun at the back of her head and secures it with a chopstick.
She wearily tells us that everyone in school always copies her style.
I'm
having a Regina George Mean Girls moment here. 'Why are
you so obsessed with me?'
Carol is
on the hunt for a man on this cruise. Linda tells us that she dates
A LOT which I think is code for 'Carol is easy'. Before they go to
dinner, Linda consults her astro-diary for their horoscopes. She
tells us that she's a Capricorn which means she likes mystical things
but Carol is a Gemini which means she's equal parts romantic and
skeptic. Carol likes to hear her horoscope but she doesn't believe
in them.
Carol's
horoscope tells her to pamper herself instead of looking for a new
man. She decides to do both and Linda thinks that's a “typical
Gemini” attitude.
We get a
page or two describing the boat at this point. It has a lot of fun things
to do. Many amenities. Super boring to recap.
When
they get to their assigned table, two girls and a guy are already
seated. The girls are Justine and Marla and the boy is
Kevin. Kevin and Marla are dating. It turns out they're
sitting at the Captain's table because nothing is too good for a 💫PH
protagonist💫! The Captain joins them and apologizes for being late.
He says they have a stowaway on board. Someone saw him sneaking on
but no one can locate him now. He's offering a reward. Whoever
catches the stowaway either earns a day of beauty at the spa or a
free round of golf.
Across
the room, Linda locks eyes with a dark-haired, green-eyed dreamboat
and she's immediately panting over him. She has sworn off guys, of
course, but this one with his longish, curly hair and his killer
smile is just too yummy to be ignored. Justine sees her staring and
follows her gaze. Suddenly she goes pale and jumps up from the
table, saying she's not feeling well. Linda wonders what happened
but doesn't have time to react before dreamboat is by her side.
I mean. Clearly Justine recognized the guy. Linda's an idiot.
Dreamboat sweeps her away from the table and onto the dance floor without
saying a word. And she just goes like it's not fucking creepy that some guy she doesn't even know is dragging her around. She asks his name and he tells her it's Billy.
He already knows her name and cabin number and this does not alarm
her as much as it should.
Protagonist
who seriously needs to watch Discovery ID? Check.
They
dance for a few songs and then go out to stand by the rails. As
they're gazing up at the stars, Linda mentions that she follows
horoscopes and Billy says he does too. That's literally the ONLY
conversation these two have before he kisses her. Afterwards he
says.......... “I guess that must be my Libra nature.”
Clunk.
They
just stand out there and make out for awhile. Finally some random
guy comes up to heckle Billy a little. The heckler is a guy named Tommy
and he has Justine with him. Linda notices how Justine gives Billy
the cold shoulder but is still too clueless to figure out why. Billy and Tommy met on the boat and became fast
friends or something. Tommy tells Linda that Billy has a big secret.
I bet
you can't guess.
Odds
that you don't know Billy's secret: 5%
Billy's
the stowaway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you
surprised? Yeah. Me neither.
Apparently
Tommy works on the boat and he's letting Billy stay in the closet of
one of the gyms. Sounds cozy. Everyone else is pretty impressed
with Billy but Linda is a little horrified. She has a brief internal
struggle but then decides that Billy is ever so dreamy and a really
kick-ass kisser so she decides to just go with it.
The
other couples ask her about their astrological compatibility and she
impresses them all by guessing their signs based on their
temperaments and fashion choices. It's all so very, very stupid.
The others eventually wander away and Billy and Linda spend a few
hours making out because swapping body fluids with a person you just
met is always a good idea.
The next
morning they are all having breakfast together when Billy brings up
the idea of mutiny.
Fuck me,
this book is stupid.
Billy
thinks the itinerary is boring and he wants to stop at more exotic
locations instead. He and Tommy get into a bit of a spat about what
they should do after they take over the ship. Tommy acts like your
typical roid head and goes ballistic. Billy isn't about to let
everyone think that Tommy's dick is bigger than his so he escalates
things into a physical fight. Linda tells us that she's afraid Billy
will kill Tommy but then the fight abruptly ends and Billy apologizes
for losing his temper.
Linda
isn't too worried about Billy's short fuse because their signs are so
compatible and she has a bad temper as well. Later, she sits and
writes in her diary about him and how she hopes they'll be together
long after the ship docks. You know, because she's formed such a
meaningful relationship with him in the three hours they've spent
together.
Billy
shows up and oogles her in her bikini. He asks he if they can go
back to her cabin and it's strongly implicated that he wants to have
sex with her already.
Linda
asks for a tour of the ship instead, because as a castaway, Billy
would know where everything is.
Seriously? This girl is dumber than
a mud fence.
I can
hear you all, you know. You're sitting there saying 'just how dumb
is a mud fence?' Well, I'll have you know that a mud fence is the
dumbest kind of fence there is. So there!
Billy
shows her where he's been staying and then takes her eight flights
down to the very bottom of the ship. He tells her that he's been
exploring a lot so he knows what to do when he takes over the ship.
She doesn't think this is weird at all which just proves my mud fence
theory. Billy tells her that he's mapped out a spot where he can
hold the entire crew hostage and Linda just laughs.
Billy
tells her that he wants to be with her forever which she thinks is
just top aces and I think is a HUGE FUCKING RED FLAG!!! The boy just
met you, Linda. Run. Far and fast. She kisses him instead. When
they finally untangle their tongues, Billy takes her back up to a
very expensive jewelry boutique. He tells her to pick something out
and she knows he isn't serious because everything costs WAY too much
money. She tells him it would mean more if he picked it out himself
and he tells her to scoot along to her cabin and he'll see her
later.
Odds
that Billy is going to rob that boutique: 90%
When
Linda gets back to her room there's a note waiting for her.
“Your Billy has a
secret. Libra's a double sign, isn't it? That means there are two
sides to every story. Beware.”
Apparently Kamida hasn't gotten the memo that these damn things are
supposed to rhyme.
Linda's
horoscope warns her about letting a Libra put a ring on it. She
isn't too worried about that happening.
Odds
that Billy is going to steal a ring from that boutique: 99%
The next
day Linda wakes up when the ship docks at their first excursion
destination. She meets Billy on the deck and he hands her a wrapped
box from the boutique. Sure enough there's a ring in it. He tells
her the ruby is to match her hair and the sapphire is to match the
sea and the emerald is to match his eyes. She loves it but she gets
uneasy when he goes to put it on her finger because of what the
horoscope said.
We also
learn that Linda has given Billy a spare key to her cabin so he can
shower.
Linda
and Carol have a great day at port. I'm glad to hear Carol still
exists. I was wondering. When they return to the ship, there's
a dozen roses waiting for Linda along with a note from Billy telling
her that the mutiny is on. She searches him out to see if he's
serious and he dodges the question. Instead he takes her to the side
of the ship and shows her an expensive speedboat that's tied to the
side. It belongs to the captain and Billy says they're going to
borrow it for a few hours.
Linda is
reluctant at first but Billy assures her that it isn't stealing
because they'll be bringing it back. He tells her that he's stowed
some scuba equipment on it already and essentially calls her a
chicken for not jumping at the chance to go with him. Her
astrological sign requires her to double down when people call her a
chicken so she hops in the boat ready for adventure.
They get
to a deserted island and Billy drops anchor or parks the boat or whatever you do in a speedboat. Linda is surprised to
see that there is only one scuba tank. He tells her to go first and
then he'll go after her. She's having a good time swimming with the
fishes when suddenly there's no more oxygen. She's about thirty feet
below the surface when it happens and she's sure she's about to die
but if she'd checked how many pages are left in the book she wouldn't
have worried so much.
Back in
the boat, she accuses Billy of sending her down with inadequate
oxygen and he's offended. He angrily starts the boat and heads back
to the ship. He tells her he loves her and he can't believe she
would think that he would ever do anything to hurt her. As soon as
she hears he loves her, she starts frantically apologizing to him
because she doesn't want to end up an old maid with seventy cats.
Billy doesn't speak to her the whole way back.
She's in
her cabin feeling miserable when he calls. He tells her that there
were only 11 roses in her bouquet earlier and if she wants the 12th
one, she'll have to meet him on deck in 10 minutes. She's surprised
that he's pretending the fight earlier never happened but they she
remembers he's a Libra and they're like that. {{{shrug}}}
They all
go to a concert that night. Tommy spends the entire night flirting
with Linda while Billy flirts with Marla Justine just sits and fumes
the entire time. At one point Marla starts to tell some story about
Billy's ex-girlfriend and I'm super confused. Does Marla know Billy from before the ship? This is news to me.
Billy
turns the subject back to the mutiny and he and Tommy begin to
discuss how they can get into the ….I have no idea what it's
called. The place where the controls are. Billy says they'll need a
diversion and he knows just the thing to do it but he won't share
with anyone else.
In the
middle of the night that night they are awoken by the emergency
signal that indicates that the ship is sinking. There's a whole
chapter of people panicking and putting on life vests and then it
turns out to be a prank. Linda knows it was all Billy's doing.
She
avoids him the next morning. When he finally finds her that
afternoon, he tells her that his plans to take over the ship are
almost ready to be put into action. The episode the night before was
a test and he's happy with how it worked out. Linda tells him that
she thinks they should take a break from each other and Billy gets
pissed. He starts accusing her of flirting with Tommy and then tells
her that she's either with him or they're breaking up. She decides
to break up and returns his ring. He throws it at her and tells her
that she's going to be very sorry.
The next
chapter opens with Linda's diary entry. She tells “us” that Billy
won't leave her alone. He's apologized and told her how devastated he is that he talked to her the way he did. He clearly wants
her back but now that she has some distance from him she begins to
think that maybe he wasn't good for her.
You
think!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Billy's
behavior gets a little stranger as time goes by (I have no idea how
much time because Kamida doesn't really say but it can't be as much
as she tries to imply because a cruise is a finite thing). Every
time Linda turns around, he's there watching her. It's creepy but
she considers getting back together with him since he's obviously so
taken with her. It makes her feel special.
A
potentially dangerous stalker with a jealous streak and a bad temper
makes her feel special.
There's
something wrong in Linda's life, y'all. This girl needs some
intervention.
In the
end, she decides not to take him back because his clothes are
wrinkled and dirty now and she can tell he hasn't washed his hair. A
girl has to have some standards, dontchaknow?
Tommy
approaches her, worried. He says Billy is still hung up on the
mutiny and he's even talking about finding the captain's gun. He
thinks they should just turn Billy in before something bad happens
but Linda doesn't want to. She thinks it will make Billy mad and she
would feel really bad if they made him mad.
Main
Characters decide not to alert the authorities for some really lame
reason? Check.
Tommy
reluctantly agrees and says that maybe they'll get lucky and Billy
will just forget all about it.
Odds of
Billy forgetting all about it: 2%
Also,
these kids are really SUPER stupid.
That
night Linda has a nightmare about Billy chasing her down. When she
wakes up, her door is open and her diary is disturbed. She opens it
to find one word scrawled across the pages. “Imperfect.”
Did she
seriously not get the key back from him after they broke up???
They all
go to port that day and wander around buying random things. Carol
finally makes another appearance and she, Tommy and Linda are walking
down the street when a moped appears out of nowhere and starts
barreling right toward Linda. Linda hears a shout and suddenly Billy
is there, tackling her out of the way just in time.
Hmmmm.
Billy wasn't on the moped. Who have we forgotten? Oh, yeah, that
girl. Tommy's girl. What the fuck was her name.
{{{{{Time
passes as I go back to scan the crap I've already recapped.}}}}}
Right.
Justine.
Odds of
Justine being the person on the moped: 88%
Linda
wonders if Billy set up the whole thing so he could save her and
maybe she'd take him back. I was actually thinking the exact same
thing and the fact that Linda thought it too makes me almost 100%
sure that it's not the right answer.
Billy is
injured in the heroic caper and ends up with his arm in a sling.
Later,
Linda, Justine, Marla, Kevin and Tommy have a shuffleboard tournament
back on deck. These young whippersnappers really know how to live it
up, yo. Billy sends over a tray of frosty drinks but Linda and
Justine both refuse to drink one. Linda tells them about how Billy
broke into her room to write a word in her diary and how she thinks
he set up the moped accident before. Tommy thinks she's being super
paranoid but Justine seems thoughtful.
Odds of
Justine being the 'bad guy': 55%
Justine
tells them that Billy confided in Tommy that his last girlfriend was
seriously fucked up after their breakup. He seemed to be bragging
that he'd devastated the poor girl. Then Justine casually throws out
this..... “Billy Jackson is trouble. Didn't anyone ever tell
you? Never love a Libra.”
Oh,
Kamida, I see you. I see what you did there.
Odds
that Billy's ex-girlfriend is on the ship: 85%
Linda
decides she needs to tell the captain that Billy is the stowaway.
The others all talk her out of it – even Tommy who originally
wanted to turn him in just a chapter ago. Fickle, Tommy. Kevin
wants Tommy to talk to Billy. He thinks if Tommy tells Billy that
Linda is going to turn him in if he doesn't cool it, Billy will stop
being an asshole stalker.
Good
plan.
You
know, if Billy is the bad guy, telling him that Linda is about to
turn him in is a good way to get Linda killed.
What am
I saying?
Carry
on, Tommy. Carry on.
Later
that night, Billy seeks out Linda. He apologizes again and tells her
that he'll stop trying to win her back if she'll agree not to turn
him in. She tells him to quit following her around and he's puzzled
about that. She thinks it's a big fake but I think one of the girls
is the bad guy here. I'm still pumpin for Justine but it could be
Marla.
Then my
theory gets completely blown out of the water. Billy brings Linda a
dessert as a peace offering and when she eats the whipped cream she
gets super sick and passes out. When she wakes up, she's in the
infirmary with Billy. He tells her that there was poison in the
whipped cream. Not enough to kill her but enough to let her know
he's serious. If she goes to the captain, he'll make sure she
regrets it.
Well,
damn. It seemed like a good theory. It would be a better book.
Sigh.
Billy
doesn't leave her alone for days. Finally she comes up with a plan.
She has him wait outside the room so she can take a bath. She makes
sure it's a very hot one so it will appear that she has a fever. Then she unplugs the phone. When he comes
back in, she tells him that she thinks she's having a relapse or
something and she needs the nurse. He tries the phone but it doesn't
work so he heads down to the infirmary. As soon as he's gone, Linda
calls the captain to report him.
The
captain comes to Linda's cabin to await Billy's return but Billy
hears them and makes a run for it. The entire crew searches for him
but is unable to find him. Time passes. No idea how much but it
feels like this cruise has lasted a month by Kamida's storytelling.
Linda eventually decides to ask Tommy for help. She wants him to get
Billy to turn himself in. Tommy is reluctant to help. He says Billy
has a gun now and he's really worried that he might be mentally
unstable. For some reason, Tommy ends the conversation by kissing
Linda and she lets him.
Out of
nowhere, Billy appears and hits Tommy on the head with an oar.
All
together now..............
WALK IT
OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Billy
pulls out a gun and Linda takes off running. There's a fairly short
and stupid chase scene with Billy randomly firing a gun at her as she
runs all over the ship. Miraculously, no one seems to hear the
gunshots.
Linda
hides in a lifeboat and Billy pushes the button or whatever that
sends it down into the sea. Seconds later he throws Tommy's body
overboard as well. Linda rows after the huge cruise ship and somehow
manages to keep pace with it.
Eventually
someone spots her rowing away down there and she is rescued. She
tells everyone that Billy murdered Tommy and they look for Tommy's
body but can't find it. Thus, she's branded a hysterical liar, of
course. The upside is that Billy is located and apprehended
by......I don't know......cruise security or something? Linda is
relieved.
Billy is
escorted off the boat at the next port. Linda continues to hear his
voice everywhere though. It's mostly when she's with the other
people so there's even odds between her going a little crazy or her
being gaslighted. She decides to use her certificate for a spa day
that she got for turning Billy in and somehow she gets locked in the
sauna. She hears Billy's voice outside the door taunting her.
You
know, this would be a much better book if we found out that none of
this Billy stuff really happened. Like he existed and she met him
but everything between the two of them was in her head. That would
be a good book.
This is, unfortunately, not that book.
Anyway,
after 'Billy' leaves, she discovers she isn't locked in the sauna
after all. She tries to tell Carol what happened but Carol doesn't
believer her. Linda spends the next two days in her cabin. As long
as she doesn't leave her cabin, she doesn't hear Billy's voice.
Which sounds to me like gaslighting.
Carol
finally talks Linda into leaving the room. Linda decides she can go
to the “underground pool” which I guess means it's below sea
level. She doesn't want to go alone so she asks Justine to go with
her.
I can't
seem to let go of my Justine-as-the-bad-guy theory here, y'all.
The
girls swim and then part ways. As she's leaving, Linda hears Billy
taunting her again and then one of the hatches opens and seawater
pours into the pool area.
Is this
even possible?
Water
floods the corridor where Linda is and it seems like a scene out of
the Titanic but wait! There's a stairway and she's able to.......I
don't know. Kamida doesn't tell us. She just says 'it's a good
thing there was a stairway' all super casual like. I'm guessing
Linda simply went upstairs. I don't know. {{{shrug}}}
We hop
to the day before the cruise ends. Finally. This cruise has been
six years along. Kamida keeps telling us several days pass here and
there. If I added up all that, they've been cruising for months.
Out of the blue, Marla admits that she and Kevin helped Billy sneak
back onto the boat after he was taken away. They didn't see the harm
in it because they don't believe he did anything Linda says he did.
Linda
does the only thing a reasonable person can do in a situation like
this. She writes an invitation to dinner on a piece of paper and
tapes it to Kevin's door. I guess she's thinking that Kevin will
make sure Billy gets it.
Sure
enough, Billy shows up at her cabin in his tuxedo. Linda serves him
a plate of roaches and then ties him to a chair.
WHAT THE
ACTUAL FUCK AM I EVEN READING RIGHT NOW? NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!
Linda
runs to get the captain like an idiot. Everyone knows if you leave
the bad guy tied up somewhere and go to get the authorities, the bad
guy will be gone when you get back. She should have just called from
the room.
When
Linda gets back with the captain and Carol, Billy is gone.
Linda
spends hours searching the boat and finally finds Billy standing on a
small platform halfway up the mast of the ship. He pleads with her
to join him so she decides that the best thing to do in this
situation is to climb up the mast of the ship to the man that she
suspects is trying to kill her.
Protagonist
displays a shocking lack of survival skills? Check, check and triple
check.
I can't.
I just
can't.
This
girl so deserves to die at the point. She should not be allowed to
carry her genes into the next generation. We have to stop this
stupidity while we still can.
Sure
enough, Billy grabs her and throws them both overboard.
So
they're on a ship that's 8 stories high and then up on a mast that's
extending above that. A fall like that into the water should have
killed them both.
Science, bitches.
They
survive the fall and begin to swim back to the ship. And
then.........
💀SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!💀
The
sharks come in for the kill but Linda manages to knock one
unconscious by punching it in the nose. The other one eats Billy
like some kind of fucking Sharknado movie. But it doesn't eat Linda for dessert. It just goes on its merry way.
I need a
minute.
What is
this book even?
Torch
writes better crap than this and he's into squirrel porn.
Linda is
rescued. She's convinced Billy is still alive. I'm sure he is
because this book is just that stupid.
Sure
enough, Linda goes back to her cabin and there's Billy. His clothes
are in shreds and he's dripping blood everywhere. He throws a
mangled carcass at her feet and it's the shark. He went hand to hand
with a fucking shark and won.
Sharks
are big, y'all. How did he carry that thing? And how did he get to
her cabin all bloody and carrying a dead shark without being seen?
I.
Can't.
Even.
I need a
raise, y'all.
Billy
drags Linda off. He takes her down to some level of the ship and
leads her to yet another hatch. He has devised a plank and he's
going to make her walk it.
This ish
has reached a whole 'nother level of stupid.
Also....she's
gone overboard twice before and didn't die so I think his plan really
blows.
Suddenly
Billy has an accomplice and it turns out to be.......................
.
.
.
.
.
JUSTINE!!!!
I called
that one, bitches!
It turns
out that Justine is his ex-girlfriend (which I also called) and she
came on this cruise to get over him because they had just broken up.
Now she wants revenge. She's been pretending to help him while
planning his demise.
Layers,
y'all.
Also,
stupidity.
Justine
hits Billy over the head with a wrench and then unties Linda. She's
not saving her, though. She wants Linda to help her throw Billy
overboard and then she plans to throw Linda overboard too. There's a
brief struggle for the wrench which Linda loses and then Justine
forces them both out on Billy's plank.
I'm so
over this.
*Billy
starts to go over the plank.
*Linda
saves him.
*Justine
tries to knock them both off.
*Linda
knocks Justine off.
*Justine
dies.
*Billy
tells Linda she should have let him die because she'll live to regret
it.
*THE
FUCKING BOOK FINALLY
ENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whew. That one was rough.
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