The Girlfriend by R.L. Stine

**This blog contains adult language.**

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know who the bad guy/girl/effing Justin is.  That's right, y'all.  We have another effing Justin situation.

Tag Line: When she was good, she was very good....But when she was bad she was murder.

From the Back of the Book: She's bad.  So bad...Scotty has the perfect life.  And the perfect girlfriend.  But one weekend while she's away, Scotty goes just a little....astray.  Suddenly he has a new girlfriend.  One who won't go away.  His one wild night has become a nightmare.  Because his new girlfriend has decided that she loves Scotty....to death.

Trigger Warning: Stine kills off two animals in this book.  Don't read the recap if this will bother you.

I know this recap is really late this month.  In my defense, I was in another state for two days and then super sick for the last ten.  But I did it.  I still have 10 days to read that hedgehog book too.

This book was published in 1991 and I'm almost positive that I've never read it before. I've read so many Stines that they all blend together, though, so we'll see as we go.  (((Note from future me: definitely haven't read this one before.)))

We begin with our protagonist Scotty. He's at party with his girlfriend Lora and her parents. Scotty and Lora have been an item for six years so he's used to her over-the-top parents but he's annoyed tonight. Her father insisted on throwing a lavish party to celebrate their early (conditional, natch) acceptance into Princeton. It's only November of their senior year and a lot could change by graduation. Scotty won't even be able to go if he doesn't qualify for a scholarship.

Normally Scotty likes being in a long-term relationship. His own father took off when he was small so he finds some weird kind of pride in dating Lora for so long. He also normally adores her parents because they seem to have such a stable, loving relationship. Tonight, however, he just feels smothered by everything. He complains to Lora who seems irritated that he's not having a great time. She reminds him that she's leaving for a week to tour London and Paris with her parents. I don't think they'll get much of a tour in just a week, but I'm still mostly jealous.

Scotty's BFF Bender is also at the party. They trade snide comments for a bit about the pretentious party food and then talk turns to football. Scotty is quarterback because of course he is. He's the protagonist after all. They're the best at everything. Bender is offensive tackle or something, I forgot to care. Lora's dad comes up to join them in the pigskin chatter. He thinks Scotty is too much of a team player and urges him to throw the ball more. Daddy Warbucks has money on the game and he needs the team to win. On the heels of that, he tells Scotty that he'll have a job waiting in the family architectural firm after college and I'm not sure if those two things are meant to be connected or if Stine just threw them together.

Odds of Lora's Daddy being some kind of a mob boss: 51%

Scotty manages to get Lora alone outside and he tells her about her daddy's job offer. She's excited and they dream a bit about their lives together. The chapter is ending so, out of nowhere, someone jumps from the bushes and attacks Scotty.

Odds of Scotty being physically harmed: 0%. C'mon, y'all, it's a Stine. This is just a pointless cliffy.

Sure enough, the “attacker” turns out to be Scotty's 7-year-old brother Denny. A pretty stupid scene ensues and I'm just going to skip it because all it entailed was showing us that Denny is annoying and Scotty is immature.

Lora is going to be gone during Homecoming and Scotty tells her how strange it's going to be to go to the dance without her. She jokes that he should take another girl to the dance just to see how people react. He thinks she's lost her mind.

Odds that Scotty is going to take another girl to the dance: 87%

We time-hop to Friday night and the Homecoming game. Scotty is having an off night and he thinks it's because Lora isn't at the game. She's obviously his good luck charm. The team ends up scraping up a win but it's largely due to the defense and not Scotty. He's pretty upset as he heads to the team's traditional bonfire with Bender. I guess this bonfire is where they crown King and Queen and then everyone goes to the dance. Scotty and Lora are named King and Queen because of course they are. Everyone razzes Scotty about being stood up and then he takes off.

He's headed to his car when he sees a girl kneeling over by the fence. As he gets closer he realizes that she's kneeling beside a bicycle with a flat tire and she's completely gorgeous – petite with long red hair and big brown eyes. It will never last, Scotty. The heroine in the happily-ever-after never has brown eyes.

Scotty offers the girl a ride and finally gets around to asking her name. It's Shannon and he kind of remembers seeing her around but she's not popular enough for him to pay much attention to. Shannon accepts the ride and then proceeds to inflate Scotty's massive ego by telling him how wonderful and popular he is. Scotty feels an odd little glow and thinks about how long it's been since he's been out with anyone new. He asks Shannon if she wants to go get a burger and she accepts. She's disappointed when he goes to an out-of-the-way place where no one will know them.

Scotty enjoys Shannon. He likes how she touches his hand when she talks and how she twirls her wild red hair around her fingers and how her smile isn't an innocent little-girl smile. They have absolutely nothing in common. They like none of the same things, have none of the same values and he can tell that she has no ambition whatsoever but......she's pretty and that's apparently enough for him to be fascinated. Scotty's thinking with his...ahem...y'all.

When he drops her off at her house, she plants a kiss on him and he kisses her right back. In fact he describes the kiss to us as wild and hungry so this isn't a 'thank you' peck on the cheek here. When the kiss ends he decides he can't possibly live without seeing her again so he asks her to go on a date with him the next night.

Oh for fuck sakes. The Canby Hall Cheater Fever has infected a whole new genre of books.

The next morning, Bender comes over to help Scotty rake up leaves. Scotty doesn't tell him about Shannon or his date that night. He shows Bender the snake habitat he's built for his green tree snake named Ernie. It's attached to the side of the garage because his mom won't let Ernie in the house. At first I was all 'You can't keep a snake outside!' and then I remembered that snakes live outside in the wild. But not necessarily in the climate that Scotty's in. I have no idea where he lives, though, so I can't judge if Scotty is a terrible pet owner or if everything is okay.

We time-hop to later that night and Scotty and Shannon are coming out of a movie theater in the next town. Scotty is finding the date difficult to read. Shannon doesn't seem to be enjoying herself very much and she has no idea who John Candy is.

I know I judge the success of all my social interactions on whether the other person knows who John Candy is.

Scotty is just wondering why the hell he's even on a date with her when she kisses him and his penis reminds him. He asks her if she wants to go to make-out point and she says they can go to her house instead. Her brothers are out for the night and her parents are at an “all-night party”. Who the fuck has an all-night party?

Odds that Shannon has murdered her entire family: 90%

Scotty can't believe his own stupid luck. He drives quickly to her house thinking that he doesn't really like her and they have nothing in common and this will definitely be their only date but holy fuck she's hot and he can't wait to hit that. When they get inside, Shannon throws herself at him and tells him that he's her baby now.

Kinky.

Stine doesn't tell us what they did or didn't do. We go right to 8:00 Sunday morning. Shannon calls and wakes Scotty up. She tells him she had fun last night and asks him if he dreamed about her. She keeps calling him 'baby' which is going to annoy me in about two more pages. It's cute when the right person does it, but definitely not cute when she does. Scotty blows her off and hangs the phone up as quickly as he can.

Twenty minutes later, she calls back. She tells him she's lonely and she wants him to come over and....keep her company. Scotty decides to be “really straight with her” and then proceeds to tell her he's very busy and can't see her again which doesn't seem very straight at all. After he hangs up, his mom reminds him that he promised to help out at his brother's school fair that afternoon. He's checking coats. What kind of school is this that there's coat check?

Scotty makes it through the fair and returns home for dinner. Shannon calls again and asks him when he's coming over. He hangs up on her. Almost immediately, Lora calls. She's back from her trip and completely exhausted. Scotty feels guilty for what he's done and tells her he wants to spend every moment of the weekend together next weekend. She reminds him they're being honored at some kind of chamber of commerce thing where they're being named “teens of the year” (totally sounds legit, y'all). They can't skip it because they're each being awarded $500.

Before he goes to bed, Scotty remembers he left his favorite baseball cap at Shannon's. The one he's rarely seen without. He briefly considers going to get it and then decides she can keep it.

Odds of Scotty's hat being an instrument of his downfall: 99%

Shannon is waiting for him at his locker the next morning. He tells her she has to leave but she laughs at him and reminds him that he's her baby now. He tells her he doesn't want to see her ever again and she starts to cry. She tells him she was “very nice” (ahem) to him on Saturday night and now he's being mean to her. He's firm with her and she runs off crying.

Later Scotty and Lora eat their lunch outside so they can be alone. To Scotty's dismay, Shannon stands at the other end of the quad glaring at them the entire time. Lora notices and asks who she is but Scotty pretends he doesn't know.

Shannon is waiting on his front porch when he gets home from school. It's obvious she's been crying and he feels bad but also pretty angry that she's not getting the point. She tells him that he has to break up with Lora and he tells her to get the fuck out of his life and leave him alone. She gets upset and threatens that her brothers aren't going to like how he's treating her and Scotty gets scared. He says that he'll call Shannon that evening and she perks up and happily goes on her way.

Honestly, why is he so scared? He's never met her brothers. He has no idea if they can kick his ass or not. He's a quarterback for goodness sakes. Maybe her brothers are buried in the backyard, Scotty, and you have nothing to fear.

Odds of Shannon's brothers being alive and kicking: 35%

Scotty sees a large man in a huge raincoat standing in the hedges beside his house watching him and he immediately assumes that it's one of Shannon's brothers. He just knows his goose is cooked. But the man turns around and runs away.

That evening Scotty goes back and forth for literally AGES about whether to call Shannon or not. He's afraid if he does, she'll get the wrong idea. If he doesn't, his ass will be grated up like cheddar. He's still trying to decide when Bender calls. He asks Scotty why he missed football practice and Scotty can't believe he forgot. Bender also asks about the little redheaded girl that he's seen hanging around Scotty lately and Scotty lies to him.

Shannon calls after Bender and Scotty just lets his anger fly. He screams that he never wants to talk to her again and she has to stop calling and coming by. Then he hangs up feeling very satisfied with himself.

Scotty is happy the next day because he never sees Shannon. He has lunch with Lora and goes to practice to make everything all right with the coach. By the time he heads home, he's flying high and feeling smug. When he gets to his house he realizes his beloved pet snake Ernie has been cut in half.

WHAT THE FUCK DO POINT HORROR AUTHORS HAVE AGAINST PETS??? This isn't our first time at this particular rodeo and it's AWFUL. Stop killing the poor pets!

You know, there's a whole website dedicated to telling a person in advance if a dog dies in the movie. I feel like there should be one for these damn books.

Shannon calls him later and again says he needs to break up with Lora before she has to hurt something else he cares about. He screams at her that he's going to call he police and she says her brothers wouldn't like that. Scotty is past giving a fuck about her brothers though. Then she says Lora will find out they hooked up if he goes to the police and that makes him pause. He knows he can't do anything and he hangs up.

After football practice the next afternoon, Bender walks home with him. Scotty is stunned to see Shannon on the sidewalk along the way. She asks him why he didn't come see her the night before and ends Every. Single. Sentence. with 'baby'. I want to shoot her and Stine both. Scotty is embarrassed that Bender is witnessing the entire thing and tries to claim he doesn't know her. Shannon latches onto his hand and refuses to let go. She begs him not to make her hurt him while Bender laughs, thinking it's all a big joke.

I REALLY hope this isn't one of those books where Bender is behind everything. Normally that only happens with girls, but who knows.

Shannon is pissed about the laughter and the fact Scotty keeps trying to get away from her. She grabs two of his fingers in one hand and two in the other hand and she pulls them violently in different directions. Something breaks. Stine tells us that it's his hand but it seems more likely that his fingers would have broken. Whatever.

We hop to Friday. Scotty is benched with a cast on his hand watching his team lose the football game. Because of course there's no way they could possibly win without our intrepid protagonist. Scotty didn't report the assault to the police. He swore Bender to secrecy and then told everyone that he slammed his hand in the car door. Bender wanted him to go to the police but he couldn't without revealing that he'd cheated on Lora. Instead, Scotty decides to call Shannon's parents and talk to them. Over the last few days he's tried several times and gotten no answer.

Odds of Shannon's parents being in the freezer under the peas: 99%

After the game, Scotty meets Lora. She tells him that “Daddy” is going to give him a summer internship at the firm. He's excited. It's only November but, hey, he doesn't have a lot going for his life right now. They walk toward the parking lot and he sees Shannon leaning against the hood of his car. Not only that, but the big man he saw the other night – the one he thinks is Shannon's brother – is hulking in the shadows a few cars away. Scotty thinks he's toast. He asks Lora if they can take her car instead and she agrees, not having seen Shannon yet. As Scotty turns them around, he sees fire break out in the front seat of his car.

The next chapter is a stupid dream where Shannon's brothers come after Scotty. I hate it when authors do dream chapters and try to make them seem like they're really happening.

It's the next day. The fire department has declared the fire to be an accident. Scotty's window was left open and someone accidentally threw a lit match through the window after lighting a cigarette. Scotty doesn't dispute their findings. Lora calls and invites him over for Belgian waffles. After they eat they go out into the backyard. Scotty sees his cap laying in the grass and it surprises him because he knows he left it at Shannon's house ages ago.

Inside the cap is Lora's dead cat.

FUCK YOU, STINE!!!

Lora is understandably upset and confused as to how the cat got in Scotty's cap. He gives her a lame excuse of having lost the cap days ago but she isn't quite buying it. She can tell something is up. Scotty just about comes clean but then her dad walks up and Scotty shuts his mouth.

We time-hop to that stupid chamber of commerce award dinner. It's pretty boring for the most part. Everyone tells Scotty and Lora how perfect they are and how awesome they look together. Scotty is slowly dying inside. He knows he's a first-rate asshole and now he's caused Lora to lose her beloved pet but he doesn't know how to get out of the situation.

Scotty excuses himself to go to the bathroom and he's intercepted by a hotel employee. There's a girl out front who isn't on the guest list but is insisting that she's Scotty's date and they need him to come and sort things out before she makes even more of a scene. Scotty knows who it is before he even gets to the front desk. Shannon is wearing a very tight, very short, very low-cut red dress and he can't help being dismayed by how tacky she looks. He can't believe he was ever attracted to her.

Shannon gives him the whole “tell them I'm your date, baby” routine and I find it so annoying I want to scream. Stine is WAY overusing the 'baby' thing. They get into a huge fight with Shannon insisting that she's going in the ballroom to meet everyone. She takes off running toward it screaming “I'm your date, baby” the entire way and Scotty full on football tackles her from behind. They go down with Shannon swinging and she draws blood on Scotty's face. By now, hotel security is there and they're pissed. They order Shannon and Scotty both to leave the hotel.

Scotty decides the only way to handle this situation is to agree to go out with Shannon the next weekend. This seems to appease her and she agrees to leave. As she's heading down the sidewalk, Scotty sees her “brother” step out from behind a car. He's sure he's about to get a beat down and he runs back into the hotel. He can't go back in the ballroom all covered with blood and disheveled, so he ducks into the men's room to make repairs. He cleans up but can't do anything about the blood on his shirt. Before he can leave, the chapter ends and Shannon's brother steps menacingly into the bathroom. Scotty manages to dash past him into the safety of the ballroom and that's that I guess.

We time-hop to Wednesday. Scotty calls Lora to break the news that he can't go out with her on Saturday night. He tells her that he has to visit his sick cousin but she reminds him that Saturday is the night they are celebrating his birthday together. She's coming to pick him up at nine so he figures he can see Shannon early and still be ready in time to go out with Lora.

We hop again to Saturday evening. Scotty drives to Shannon's house and finds her alone. Again. She calls him 'baby' about 40 times in two paragraphs and Scotty channels my rage by screaming at her to leave him alone. She tells him she'll tell Lora if he walks away from her and he snaps. He grabs her shoulders and starts shaking her back and forth. That leads to him choking her and slamming her against the wall. The chapter ends with him telling us that he killed her.

I figured this was just a stupid Stine thing and the next chapter would tell us that Scotty imagined the entire thing. But no. It happened. I don't know if she's really dead, but he definitely beat the fuck out of her and she's unconscious. He spends an entire chapter telling himself that it's not possible he killed her because he's a good boy and a quarterback and half of the most amazing couple that ever coupled. Then he decides he has to hide Shannon somewhere so he won't get in trouble. He can't leave her there and he can't take her to his house because he knows that Lora will be there soon. So he decides to drive her to Lora's house instead. The back door is always unlocked and he can hide Shannon in the cellar for now.

There's so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin, y'all.

Scotty carries Shannon to the car all the while telling himself that she's not dead. We have no evidence of this, we just have to take his word. He manages to get her to Lora's house and opens the back door, carrying her dead and/or unconscious body. As he steps through, Lora and a whole kitchen of people jump out and yell SURPRISE.

Guys.

No.

Just no.

Lora was supposed to be picking him up at nine. There's no fucking way she's standing in her kitchen to surprise him with a party. He wasn't supposed to be there. She had no way to know he was headed that way.

Unless.....unless this has all been a massive joke and Lora was orchestrating it. That would be a good twist.

Of course, that didn't happen.

Scotty is so surprised that he drops Shannon on the floor. Shannon wakes up, so she's not dead after all. Scotty just keeps saying “I thought I killed her” over and over which is just a great thing to admit to a room full of people. He explains to Lora that he took Shannon out once and now she's gone all Fatal Attraction on him. Shannon grabs a ski pole and begins to chase Scotty around with it. The other party guests must be shocked still or something.

The big hulking man steps into the house and Shannon instantly calms down and says “busted” under her breath. It turns out he's a cop and he's been following Shannon around. She's already been convicted of manslaughter once and now she's on parole. He's been following her around to make sure she stays out of trouble.

Why do these stupid PH authors keep using this scenario?  There's no way a legitimate police officer would do any such thing.

The officer leads her away, promising to make sure she gets the help she needs.

The party breaks up at that point, leaving Scotty and Lora alone. He apologizes for cheating on her and she says maybe they've just been too serious for too long. They're teenagers, not an old married couple. She forgives him, they laugh together and the book ends.

Seriously, guys.  What was that book?  That was a giant clusterfuck from beginning to end.  I'm just glad I survived it.  Bring on the hedgehog!