The Boyfriend by R. L. Stine

Warning: Contains Spoilers!!!  This is a recap blog which means I read the book and tell you everything that happens so you don't have to read it yourself.  Do NOT continue to read unless you want to know who the bad guy/girl/zombie is.

Tag Line: Her boyfriend's back....from the grave.

From the Back of the Book: Sometimes love is murder.  Too bad about Dex.  He was in love with Joanna.  She broke up with him.  And then he died.  Joanna's sorry, of course.  But it's not her fault he's dead, is it?  Besides, she's never loved him.  Boys are just toys, to be used and thrown away.  But this time, Joanna's gone too far.  Because Dex is back.  From the dead.  For one last date with her....

Well, my manager didn't hand me a Cooney as expected but this was almost as bad.  Stine.  Sigh.  Well, we know what to expect.

You get a cliffhanger and you get a cliffhanger and you get a cliffhanger, you ALL get a cliffhanger!!!

This book was published in 1990.  This is my first read through.  

We begin with our protagonist Joanna. She's standing in the mall and she seems to be about to break up with her boyfriend Dex. She's eagerly anticipating being cruel. While she waits, she catches sight of herself in a store window and is captivated by her own blue-eyed, blonde-haired beauty. She doesn't see any reason to be falsely modest when her beauty is such an undisputed fact.

Yeah, she's going to be fun.

Joanna thinks her suburban town is tacky and full of losers who listen to crap bands in malls and she can't wait to move to New York as soon as she graduates. Plus it will get her far away from her mousy loser mother who couldn't even keep her father around.

Joanna watches Dex arrive from a distance. Her plan is to stand him up and watch his reaction. Everything about him disgusts her now. It had all started to decline when he invited her to see him in a school play. She couldn't believe how dumpy and gross his public school was. If only he could have afforded a bitchy private school like hers. Maybe things could have been different then.

Later Joanna gleefully tells her friend Mary all about it. Mary is surprised at how vicious Joanna is being about all of this. Mary thinks her friend has changed since her dad left. She wonders why she's even still friends with Joanna. She listens to Joanna go on and on about some guy named Shep. He's rich, goes to private school and has a hot car. Dex is poor, goes to public school and takes the bus. Clearly Joanna had no choice but to leave Dex for Shep. Mary feels really bad for Dex.

Joanna tells Mary that she can't break up with Dex outright. For one, it's fun to watch him squirm. And he's so dramatic that he would just cause a big scene that might embarrass her or something.

After Joanna hangs up with Mary, she calls Shep. They make a date for the next night. She's hoping Dex will see them out together and just quietly take the hint. She barely hangs up with Shep when she sees Dex climbing in her bedroom window.

Dex has driven over with his rebel friend Pete. He wants Joanna to go for a drive with them. She hems and haws but eventually the thrill of doing something forbidden is too much for her to resist. As she's getting dressed, Dex comes over and kisses her. She kisses him back just because she likes to kiss him.

This girl is such a bitch.

But I'm not sure Dex is such a gem either. He's pushy and manipulative and doesn't take no for an answer.

Joanna, Dex and Pete all get into Joanna's $40,000 BMW because Pete's car is just too disgusting for Joanna to sully herself with. They drive out to the cliffs. Joanna starts complaining immediately. She's tired and it's cold and she wants to go home. Dex is insisting that she come out onto the cliffs with him where it's romantic. I keep hoping he's planning on throwing her over the side but since we're only on page 24 I don't really see that happening.

Dex decides to be a dick and scare her by pretending to fall over the edge of the cliff because Stine needs a way to end the chapter. He's fine, of course. Dex is mad that Joanna didn't appreciate his performance. And Pete missed it entirely. So Dex decides to perform it again. This time, however, the edge of the cliff crumbles away from him and he legit falls over the side. They hear him slam against the side of the rocks and few times and then he screams all the way to the bottom.

Joanna immediately freaks the fuck out and goes running for the car. Pete tries to stop her. He says they have to help Dex. But Joanna isn't listening. She gets into the car and drives away. The chapter is getting ready to end so Stine need to manufacture some suspense. He has a truck head right for the car. Joanna sees nothing but light and then there is blackness.

Joanna wakes up in her bed. She decides it was all a dream. I'm going to be hella pissed if it was. Something moves in her room and she realizes it's Dex. He wants to go for a walk. She gets dressed and meets him outside. For some reason she starts to jog. For awhile he's behind her trying to catch up. Then she realizes that he looks mad and dangerous and she thinks he's actually chasing her rather than trying to catch up with her. She runs faster and faster. Suddenly she's on the cliffs. To her horror, Dex runs straight over the side.

And then she wakes up.

I'll sort this mess out for y'all. That's what I'm here for. The part where she woke up and went jogging was actually a dream. The other part happened. She wakes up in the hospital after getting into an accident with the truck. Luckily her face isn't marred because there's not much to her other than her face. She has some broken bones. They don't really tell us which ones but her mom mentions Joanna starting therapy for her leg in a few weeks.

Joanna is in and out. Mostly out. At some point she wakes up and Pete is by her bedside. She doesn't ask him about Dex and he's pissed about that. He angrily tells her that Dex is dead. Joanna feels absolutely nothing at the news. All she can think is that now she doesn't have to break up with him.

A few days later Mary comes to visit and brings her a contraband Snickers bar. Mary heard about Dex from Pete and she's shocked that Joanna doesn't seem to care much.

Does everyone only have Pete's word on the state of Dex's mortality? I call shenanigans.

We timehop after that visit. Joanna mentions that she missed six weeks of school so it's been at least that long I guess. Her leg still hurts and she walks with a limp but otherwise she seems to have healed up nicely. The brush with death did absolutely nothing to improve her personality though.

Joanna's mom has no idea Dex is dead. I DEFINITELY call shenanigans. There's no way a teenager's death wouldn't have made the news. Especially in a “loser suburban” town where probably nothing much happens on a daily basis.

Joanna has a date with Shep that night. He's taking her to a dance at the public school he used to attend before enrolling in private school. Joanna thinks this is hopelessly uncool, but he shows up in a brand new silver Jag so she condescends to go with him. As soon as they're there, she begins making fun of the decorations and the people. He doesn't seem amused. She realizes she's blowing it and tones it down. Dude has a jag. She can't screw this one up.

After the dance when Joanna is home getting ready for bed, her phone rings. It's the end of the chapter so I know who it's going to be before Joanna does. It's Dex of course.

Dun dun dun.

Joanna assumes it's Pete playing a trick on her because he's so mad at her reaction to the death of Dex. She's furious and feels woefully misunderstood.

A few days later she walks to her tutor's house. No more $40000 car for Miss Joanna. Poor baby. On her way, the chapter comes to an end so she sees Dex standing off in the distance.

She can't sleep that night. Just after midnight she hears scraping outside her window and Dex crawls in again. She's terrified and tells him that he's dead. He seems pretty surprised to hear it. She wonders if Pete was playing some kind of trick on her. She asks Dex where he's been the last two months and he tells her that he's been in a hospital upstate recovering from his injuries. Joanna is bummed that he's not dead and then feels guilty for even thinking that.

They end up making out because that's what you do when the boy you wish was dead suddenly appears in your bedroom uninvited in the middle of the night. Joanna hears her mom get out of bed and start to come down the hall and she tells Dex he has to leave. Dex tells her that he's going to take her out on Friday night to prove how alive he is.

Gross.

After he leaves, Joanna is disturbed. Something about Dex felt different just then. She can't put her finger on it, but something is wrong.

Joanna lies to Shep about having to stay home and take care of her sick mother and then meets up with Dex for their date. She notices that he looks pale and he's in the same clothes he was in when she saw him last. His hands are cold and he smells like rotten meat as well.

Please tell me Stine isn't writing a fucking vampire story. I can't take it. I haven't recovered from the Cooney. If his nails look like foil, I am so out of here.

Mary is shocked to hear that Dex is still alive and disapproving when Joanna announces that she's planning to string both boys along for awhile. She brags to Mary that Shep like her so much, she can do whatever she wants and he'll just take it. At this point I hope Dex is a zombie and he eats Joanna by the end of the book.

A few days later Joanna is having a private tennis lesson. She thinks dick thoughts in her head the whole time about her instructor (he hadn't taught her anything she didn't already know <sniff>) and the people on the other courts (if she looked like that fatso over there she'd just shoot herself <hair toss>). I hate her so very, very much. While her instructor is replenishing his balls, she looks up to see Dex behind the court. This is problematic because Shep is supposed to pick her up after practice. She notes that Dex is walking stiffly and his skin looks green. He reminds her of Frankenstein.

What. Am. I. Reading???????????????????????????

After the lesson, Joanna looks around but Dex seems to have disappeared. Shep is waiting for her outside the locker room after she changes. They banter about tennis for a bit and then Joanna sees Dex aross the way staring at them both with glowing, ruby red eyes.

I've completely given up on this book being reasonable or plausible. 

That....doesn't really seem to go anywhere. The chapter ends and we timehop to some afternoon during the school week. Joanna has this internal dialogue which only grows my hatred:

“She realized she'd have to break up with Dex soon. She didn't really care about him at all. But he was useful. It was kind of fun to keep Shep guessing, to make him uncomfortable. And the idea of having two boyfriends at once really appealed to Joanna. It was a lot like having two winter coats, she told herself. It was nice to be able to trade them off.”

Joanna goes to a dance club with Dex. She just can't get over how awful he looks or how stiffly he moves. At one point he reaches up and starts playing with his mouth. He tells her that his tooth is loose and she assumes it was knocked loose by his fall over the cliff. He moves off to get them some Cokes and she's horrified when he appears to reach up and pull off a piece of his face.

And that doesn't go anywhere either. I'd call it one of Stine's stupid cliffhangers but those are usually resolved in the first paragraph of the next chapter. These just....hang. I still have no idea if he was really at the tennis courts with red eyes. I have no idea if he pulled off half his face at the dance club. This is low even for a Stine.

We jump to some kind of charity event that Joanna's mom has dragged her to. She has to serve punch for a few hours and she considers it the end of the world. The whole time she internally thinks about Shep and Dex and I'm more bored than she is. Afterwards, Joanna goes out to get the car and she runs into Pete who is working as a valet for the event. She tells him about seeing Dex and he freaks the fuck out. He tells her that Dex is dead. He was at the funeral and saw him in the casket. He tells her to get help because she's obviously losing her mind.

At this point, I've given up all hope that Pete and Dex are gaslighting Joanna. I think Stine is actually writing a zombie story here. I can't figure out whether to laugh or cry.

Joanna spends a few hours trying to decide if she's dating a ghost or a zombie. Eventually she decides to drive over to Dex's house to investigate the matter. Joanna thinks his neighborhood is trashy – both figuratively and literally. She goes up to the dilapidated house and knocks. No one answers. She stands there willing Dex to open the door and to be alive because that will mean that she isn't “crazy”. Finally she gives up and heads for the car. A hand on her shoulder stops her because the chapter is ending soon. It's Dex and he's pea-green with red eyes and skin rotting away from his bones. He's holding a corsage and smells like a rotting corpse.

Then the next chapter starts and none of that goes anywhere. Again. After several pages of Joanna talking to her mother the next morning, we finally learn that she hauled ass away from Dex the night before. She's convinced he's some kind of supernatural creature now. She calls Mary and begs her to come over. Mary is reluctant but she finally agrees. The chapter is ending so Joanna hears tapping at her window and thinks it's Dex trying to crawl inside.

This time we get a satisfactory cliffhanger resolution. It was a bird or something.

Mary finally arrives and she looks exhausted. She tells Joanna she had a late night.

Dare I hope Mary might be in on things?

While they're talking, the phone rings. It's Pete and he's pretty hysterical. He says he's seen Dex. Dex told Pete he came back from the dead to get revenge on Joanna. Pete tells Joanna to start running because Dex is on the way over to kill her.

Dun dun dun.

The chapter is ending so someone starts pounding on the door.

It's Shep. Mary lets him in. Joanna starts screaming that they all have to leave because Dex is back from the dead and he's coming to kill her. Shep is understandably concerned. He asks if her mom is home and thinks they should take Joanna to the hospital to get help. I think this is a logical response to the situation he's found himself in. Mary suggests they go to her house instead. Shep keeps delaying them for some reason.

Dare I hope Shep is in on this?

It would be wonderful if the whole lot of them had conspired to teach Joanna a lesson about not being a massive bitch.

Dex slams into the house with Pete running after him. He's even grosser than before. (Is grosser a word? More gross?) He grabs a knife and says he's going to kill Joanna. Shep knocks the knife away and Joanna grabs it. She plunges the knife directly into Dex's chest and blood spurts out. Dex falls to the floor. Pete is hysterical again. He screams that Joanna really killed him this time.

Pete reveals that it's all been a massive joke. Dex has been wearing makeup and acting like a zombie to pay Joanna back for running away at the cliffs. But now she's killed him for real.

Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Shep suggests they call an ambulance. No one does. Shep suggests they call the police. No one does. Joanna says the police will never believe this story. Mary suggests they drag Dex's body into the woods and leave it there. Shep refuses to take part in any of it no matter how many times Joanna screams that their lives will be ruined if they don't hide the body. Finally it's determined that Pete and Mary will take the body away and Joanna and Shep will remain at the house to clean up the blood.

That arrangement sounds awfully convenient. I'm still calling shenanigans.

Pete and Mary leave with the “body”. The maid arrives and, thinking fast, Joanna cuts Shep's hand with a knife and then claims all the blood is his. Shep is at the end of his rope now. He tells Joanna she's cold and evil and he leaves her sorry ass on her doorstep.

I'm kind of in love with Shep.

Time passes. Don't know how much. Don't care how much. WHEN WILL THIS BOOK END? Joanna gets a phone call from Dex who claims he's REALLY back from the dead this time. Really. Really really.

Oh for fucks sake, Stine.

Joanna decides to go to Mary's house. It's dark when she gets there. She hears something behind her and smells something rotting. It's Dex and he looks even grossier grosser than he did last time we did this.

SIGH.

She screams and tries to run but he tackles her. She realizes that he feels too real and reaches up to pull off some of his stage makeup. She's furious. He tells her the joke is over now and he pulls out a switchblade. This one isn't a retractable fake like that steak knife had been. He plunges it deep into the ground to prove it. Sure hope he can get it back out in time to shank her ass.

Dex tells her he's done all this because he loved Joanna and she just played with him. He threatens to kill her again. She gets the knife away and threatens to kill him instead. Before she can kill him for the fucking umpteenth time, Mary comes flying out of the house and knocks the knife away.

THEY WERE ALL IN ON IT AFTER ALL!!!  Well, except Shep who is just the voice of reason in this mess of a book.

It was Mary's idea. She'd been in love with Dex forever and couldn't stand how Joanna was treating him.  Pete helped and three of them had a blast gaslighting Joanna.  To be fair, if Joanna had been smarter, this never would have worked.  But she's an idiot so, well done, guys.

Mary wants to kill Joanna but Dex stops her because there's been enough non-killing in this book already. Dex and Mary ride off into the sunset together.

Joanna returns home and sits and thinks about how she's lost absolutely everyone in her life because she's such a heinous bitch. She tracks the onset of her bitchiness back to when her dad left the family. After having a good cry, she rings up Shep to try to win him back. She tells him she's “back from the dead” when he answers. That is so not cute.

RUN, SHEP, RUN!!!

Final Thoughts:  The back cover was wrong.  That seems to happen a bunch in these book.  Whoever writes them clearly doesn't really read the books.  Joanna never actually breaks up with Dex.  This book was ridiculous.  It's true, I did let myself get sidetracked for a hot minute thinking Stine was writing zombies but you can't really blame me for that.  Stine is perfectly capable of such heinous acts of authorship.  Other than that little blip, I had this figured out pretty early.  Joanna was awful.  Pretty much Janna awful....even Hannah awful.  Hmmm.....Joanna, Janna, Hannah.  I sense a pattern here.  From now on, I will watch out for protagonists with "anna" in their name.  They pretty much all suck.