Tag Line: A cold-blooded killer.....
From the Back of the Book: Let it snow, let it snow, let it...... Heather feels cold all the time. Alone. Her guardian hates her. He'd like to see her dead. He'd like all her money. But for now, he settles for controlling it, and making Heather's life miserable. Poor little rich girl, just like Cinderella. The the gorgeous, ice-blond guy shows up at the crummy restaurant where Heather works after school. He understands about Heather. He's her Prince Charming. No one can get to Heather now. Heather feels so safe. So loved. So warm.....
Remember when I said a blog or two ago that I knew what to expect when I picked up a Stine book? Well, I have to eat those words, so please pass me the salt. When my daughter picked this one out for me, I felt pretty confident about what I'd find in the pages behind this charming cover. The one staple of Stine's literary style is that he ends 90% of his chapters with a cliffhanger even when they're unneeded and just plain silly. This book didn't do that. There were a few "jump scares" in there, but mostly the chapters just ended in a regular, chapter-ending way. It was weird. I have three theories. Theory #1: this book was written before Stine adopted his signature cliffhanger style. This is possible and needs further research. Theory #2: this book was ghostwritten by someone other than Stine because he was too busy writing Goosebumps or something. Theory #3: this book was simply too boring for even the master of ridiculous cliffhangers to come up with an exciting way to end each chapter.
I have to say, I'm leaning toward Theory #3. I know I say a lot of these books are boring, but this one really takes a prize. To give you a concrete example, I take notes in a word processing program as I read the book so I don't forget important things. A typical blog entry is written from about 12 pages of notes. (I use a large font size) I only had 8 pages of notes for this book. That's how little happened. This is not going to be an exciting blog, guys. This book was too dull to hate and too dumb to love.
This book was published in 1991. I'd never read it before. I'm not sure why. I was reading Point Horror back then. The cover art is pretty spooky and the back blurb makes it sound like a book I would have been interested in. I guess I just never came across it.
We begin with our protagonist Heather outside in the snow. Her Uncle James is up on the roof and he wants her to hold the ladder securely so he can climb down. Instead she knocks the ladder onto the ground and walks away, leaving him to freeze to death as he calls her all kinds of vile and abusive names. Well, we don't hear the names. We just have to take her word that they're awful.
Then we find out none of that happened. The entire first chapter was just a daydream. Lovely way to start out, Stine.
The next chapter begins with Heather imagining waiting until Uncle James is on the ladder and then tipping it over so he falls to his death. I'm starting to think that maybe she doesn't like Uncle J too much.
She's been daydreaming about killing her uncle while making out with her boyfriend, y'all. Either she's seriously disturbed or her boyfriend isn't very good at making out. She seems to realize how absurd it is too and wonders if she might be getting tired of Ben. They kiss again but get interrupted by her uncle pounding on the window.
Her uncle pulls her out of the car and tells her that she's going to be late for her waitressing job at the mall. Heather is bitter that she has to work because her parents left her money in a trust fund when they died. Her Uncle James won't let her touch it though. He thinks she needs the job to learn the value of hard work and responsibility. She resents the hell out of that.
She's been living with Uncle James and Aunt Belle for 13 years (since she was 3) and she hates her uncle so much. She thinks he makes her life so hard. He's a real jerk and not very nice to her or her aunt but Heather is so annoying that I find it hard to be sympathetic to her. She comes across as whiny and self-absorbed.
As they walk back to the house, Heather screams "I hate you" at her uncle. He tells her that she's disturbed and needs help. I'm not entirely sure he's wrong. She goes to get ready for work, making sure her father's plastic lighter is with her. She doesn't smoke and isn't even sure it works anymore, but carrying it around makes her feel closer to her father. I can understand that.
Heather is 10 minutes late to work. It's clearly the norm for her and she doesn't care because she hates the job so much. She's really bad at it too. Her friend Kim shows up. We never learn much about her other than she's fat and a bad dresser. I guess that's enough character development for Stine. Heather hangs around talking to Kim and getting completely pissy when one of her tables tries to get her attention.
Heather really sucks. What is it with Point Horror? Is it really that hard to write a likable female character?
Heather tells Kim that she thinks Uncle James is stealing her money. She can't get proof though because she doesn't know where he keeps the financial information. The chapter ends with a rare cliffhanger as someone grabs Heather's arm.
It's some boy with white hair. It's parted down the middle Marcia Brady style and wavy down to his shoulders. This does not sound very sexy to me, but apparently Heather is dumbstruck by the beauty of it. His skin is tan, his eyes are dark brown and he has a cleft in his chin. I'll give her the last one. I like dimples and chin clefts. She thinks he's movie star handsome with his hair as white as snow. Gag.
The book actually tells us that Heather thinks "coffee, tea or me". I wish I was making that up. That's awful.
I don't even know why he grabbed her. I guess it doesn't matter. Heather finds out that he's new to town but goes to her school. People call him Snowman because he's cold as ice. He doesn't offer any other name and I am ANNOYED that I have to call him Snowman.
Heather continues to suck as a waitress by ignoring everyone to talk to Snowman. I keep picturing myself at one of her tables and my hatred grows. We learn that she has long, golden blonde hair that is usually pulled into an off-center ponytail. What does that mean? Is it a side-ponytail or is it just crooked. Crooked seems like a weird choice to make deliberately. She tells us she's pretty and she cements her spot as our heroine by telling us she has violet eyes. Don't they all? So many violet eyes in the pages of books - so few in real life. She imagines that she'd be hella popular if Uncle James wasn't ruining her life. I sense a pattern here where Heather blames Uncle James for absolutely everything that happens to her.
It's time to pay the check and Snowman discovers that he's forgotten his wallet at home. Yeah, right. Heather believes him, though, and offers to pay his bill. She says he can pay her back before school the next morning. He offers to take her out on a date Saturday night instead. Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to pay her back but Heather is hella excited.
She gets off work and heads out to the deserted parking lot to get in her car. It's been snowing again and all the cars are covered with snow. Everything is dark and spooky. Heather realizes someone is behind her and is surprised to see Ben. Oh, yeah. She has a boyfriend. I guess she forgot that when she was making a date with Snowman. I seriously can't believe I have to call this guy Snowman. It physically hurts me. Heather gets all bitchy with Ben because she feels so guilty about cheating on him. He wants to go out with her on Saturday so she lies to him about having to go visit cousins or something. They make out and this time she thinks of Snowman instead of killing her uncle. I...guess...its an improvement.
Over the next few days, Snowman comes into the diner to get free food whenever she's working. I think he's just using her for the french fries but she thinks he's in lurrrve with her.
On Saturday, he comes to pick her up and introduces himself as Bill. I wish I could call him Bill but the book continues to refer to him as Snowman, so I'll just have to suck it up and deal. Uncle James is a real dick to him and gives him a lot of grief about his hair. I think it's stupid too, Uncle James, but you can't just go saying every single thing that you think. Uncle James asks Heather what he should say if her boyfriend calls. It's kind of funny and I would totally high five him for it if he didn't punctuate it by screaming "shut up" at his wife. I wish I didn't have to hate him. I wish we could be joined in our mutual hatred of Heather and Snowman. But it's not to be. Sigh.
They head toward the dance club but Snowman asks her if they can do something else instead because he doesn't have the money to pay for their date. His dad is dead and his mom is working constantly. They had a lot of expenses with the move and his little brother is sick. He hasn't been able to find an after-school job yet and he's worried he might have to drop out to help pay the bills. He's laying it on really thick and Heather's just eating it up. She offers to pay again. She tells him about the checking account that her uncle barely lets her use and the trust fund that her uncle won't give her access to. She can't see she's being played and I feel kind of sorry for her being that naive. I guess they have a good time.
On Monday, Heather tries to find Snowman but no one seems to have a clue who he is. Open up your eyes, Heather. She runs into Ben and he's furious. Uncle James apparently told him about Snowman. Heather blames it entirely on Uncle James and wishes he was dead. She completely ignores the fact that Ben is mad she cheated and lied and focuses on being ratted out.
Heather decides her best revenge is to pretend nothing happened because she knows her Uncle James will be spoiling for a fight. It works. He's disappointed that she's not acknowledging what he did. He tries to pick a fight about Snowman and she gets up from the table to go to her room. He orders her to sit back down and clean her plate but she refuses. He grabs her arm and throws her down to the floor. I think he's surprised by what he did because he actually apologizes. It doesn't make it okay. Uncle James then makes it all about him by claiming that she ruined his dinner and now he has a debilitating stomach ache.
Heather goes to work. Snowman doesn't show up to sponge more food off her and she's disappointed. When she gets home, she calls Ben. She is irritated when he doesn't immediately forgive her and go back to being lovey-dovey with her. She tells him that she doesn't want to break up but she wants to keep seeing Snowman too. Nice, Heather. Sheesh. He tells her to fuck off. Well, not really but that was the gist of it.
The next day, Snowman comes into the diner. Heather slips him a hamburger and a coke but rather than thanking her, he asks if he can have some fries. So much gratitude. She tells him about looking for him at school and he kind of shrugs it off. He says he was at home dealing with family stuff. Heather gets busy and can't question him further.
Snowman leaves without paying, of course. He leaves her a little note asking her to meet him at the park on Saturday and she's all charmed. He's using you for the food, Heather. Buy a fucking clue.
She thinks she sees a black car following her home and suspects it's Ben in his mother's car. She drives to his house but no one is home.
On Saturday afternoon, Heather meets Snowman at the park. He leads her into the woods and tells her that he wants to show her his secret place. It's not what you're thinking. Do you need some soap for that dirty mind? Heather has a flicker of a brainwave and wonders if she should be going into the woods with a stranger. It only lasts a second, though, and she's mad at herself for even thinking it. So close. We were so close. Sigh.
They reach a clearing and decide to build a snowman. Heather thinks she sees someone watching her from behind some trees but tells herself that she's being paranoid. They make the snowman and make out for awhile before deciding it's time to go home. Before they leave the clearing, Snowman decapitates the snowman. Sigh. What a ridiculous sentence. The creepy guy knocks the head off the snow person, I mean. I wish it was the other way around.
Snowman talks her into inviting him over for dinner a few days later. Heather is reluctant because her uncle is awful but Snowman assures her that he can handle it.
When he comes for dinner, Uncle James harasses him about the amount of food he's eating and asks him a million questions. Snowman doesn't seem to mind but Heather seethes. Uncle James tells Snowman not to get any ideas about Heather. She's going to be wealthy some day and will need to be with someone from her own "class". Not year in school but level of wealth. He calls Snowman trash and the two men jump up and square off like they're going to fight. In the end, they just stare at each other for awhile and then Snowman leaves. Heather chases after him.
When she catches up with him, she goes on and on about how much she hates her uncle and how awful it is to live there. Snowman isn't too sympathetic. He tells her that he has bigger problems right now. Something is wrong with his little brother's kidneys and he needs an operation soon. It's going to cost $2000 and they just don't have it. What the hell kind of operation costs $2000? I had surgery in 1989 on my knee and it was a simple outpatient thing that cost way more than $2000. But Heather doesn't question it. She offers to write him a check from that account she hardly uses. Snowman say he couldn't possibly accept it and they leave it at that.
A week passes and Snowman shows up at the diner and asks to talk to Heather. Her shift is almost over so she tells him to wait in her car and she'll be out soon. When she gets out to the car, Snowman is agitated and upset. He tells her that his brother's condition has worsened and he needs the operation immediately. If her offer still stands, he'd appreciate the loan. She immediately writes him a check (in his real name) and hands it over. Stupid, stupid girl.
Heather doesn't hear from him for a few days after that but she assumes that he's busy with his brother's operation. He's standing by her car one night when she gets off work and he seems happy and excited. She thinks he has good news about his brother but instead he tells her he repaid the favor she did him by killing her uncle.
Heather is horrified. Snowman says he strangled him with his scarf but not to worry because everyone will assume it was a heart attack. Um. The medical examiner in that town must be really dumb if he/she can't tell a strangulation from a heart attack. Or maybe Snowman's just really dumb for thinking it's possible.
Snowman orders Heather to drive home so he can prove it to her. There's an ambulance there and her uncle is on the ground covered with a sheet. The paramedics tell her that he was DOA and they can't transport him. Heather is going to have to call the funeral home to make arrangements for them to come get the body. Heather takes care of that and gets her aunt off to bed. When they're alone, Heather confronts Snowman. She threatens to turn him in and he tells her that she can't do that. You see, he still has that check she gave him and he'll use it to prove that she hired him to kill her uncle. He doesn't have a brother and doesn't go to her school. Everything was a lie.
It seems like he targeted her from the beginning and killed her uncle off so she'd have access to her trust fund so I'm going to just assume that blackmail is in the future. But I'm really confused. How did he know about Heather to target her like this? Did he just luck out? Does he pick up every waitress he comes across in the hopes of finding one with a trust fund? None of this makes any sense.
The funeral happens and Heather is surprised that so many people came. She figured they're all there to make sure her uncle is good and dead. After the service, the black car that was following her way back when pulls into the drive. It turns out the men inside are FBI agents and they have questions about Snowman. He's apparently under suspicion for killing his father. I'm not sure why they FBI would be involved in that but it's probably just sloppy on Stine's part. Heather tells them that she barely knows Snowman and only talked to him once. It's pretty stupid of her. If they've been following her, they probably know that she's been with him way more than that. Now is when she should tell them everything. But she's scared they'll think she hired Snowman to kill her uncle so she keeps her mouth shut.
After her uncle's death, Heather's aunt turns control of the trust fund over to Heather. She immediately goes to the diner to quit. When she walks back out to her car, Snowman is there. He wants another $2000 to keep his mouth shut. He promises she'll never see him again if she gives it to him and she naively believes him. She makes this check out to cash.
A week or so later Aunt Belle tells Heather that they are having a surprise guest for dinner. It's Snowman. When he gets Heather alone, he demands $5000 in cash. She says she'll get it from the bank the next day but it's the last time. She's such a dummy. Heather gives him the money. Later that night her aunt tells her that she's rented out the room over the garage to Snowman. Heather finally realizes she's in big trouble and she's never going to get rid of him.
Heather tells her story to Ben. He points out that Snowman can't prove anything with the 2nd or 3rd payment. Only the first payment has his name on it. His solution is to steal the initial check back and then go to the police and turn Snowman in for murder. Heather agrees to this.
They sneak into Snowman's room but he's waiting for them with a tire iron. He bashes Ben over the head, ties Heather up and drives her to the park. He forces Heather to walk through the woods to his secret place. I hear you giggling over there. Soap, I tell you. That mind of yours needs soap. Snowman leans in for a kiss and then Heather feels a sharp pain in the back of her head and everything goes black.
When she comes to, she realizes that Snowman has packed her into a snowman. Yeah, you read that right. She's trapped in a snowman. Was Stine even sober when he wrote this crap? The snow is packed so tightly around her that she can't move to break free. She remembers her father's lighter in her pocket and after some tense moments, she gets a 13-year-old empty lighter to light. Neat trick, that. She melts the snow enough to move and then busts out of the snowman.
The other Snowman is waiting for her when she makes his escape. He tells her that he's just going to have to strangle her like he did Uncle James. She responds by setting him on fire. Snowman does the Stop Drop and Roll thing but he's badly hurt and doesn't get back up.
The cops and Ben arrive to save the day. Ben admits he followed Heather on her first date to the special place. He was the person she saw in the trees. So he knew about the place and guessed that Snowman might have taken her there. Okay. Whatever. Heather is still worried about the first check but realizes it burned up when she set Snowman on fire. So all is well. She's $9000 poorer and no smarter but at least the book is over now.
Final Thoughts: I still don't understand this whole scheme. How the hell did Snowman even know she had money? Why would the ambulance not take Uncle James in for an autopsy? They just accept that he had a heart attack and call it good? I don't think so. The plot holes in this book are enormous. But looking past that, it is also extremely boring and every single character other than Aunt Belle is completely unlikable. I'd advise giving this one a pass.
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